


Wonderwall

by thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain



Category: The Vampire Diaries & Related Fandoms, The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, Kai Parker redemption arc, and a complete rewrite of canon starting from the end of 6x21, and i know this is three years too late, basically im attempting to give kai the redemption arc he deserved, but no matter, its just an entire kai backstory, this isn't quite an AU, while also diving deep into his backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-04-14 17:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14140971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain/pseuds/thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain
Summary: Halyn Chase, a young witch, never expected to run into Kai Parker that winter day in 1992. She wasn’t planning on becoming friends with him. She didn’t mean to grow close to him, and she definitely didn’t mean to fall in love with him. But as their bond strengthened, in more ways than one, outside forces caused Halyn to keep him at arms length. That was, until she discovered some dark truths, not only about the man she thought she knew, but about herself as well. And when Kai was sent to the prison world in 1994, Halyn was left alone, with the broken pieces of their lives weighing her down.She thought she could put all of that behind her, but eighteen years later, her past starts to catch up with her. She starts having weird visions, and two men who say they’re vampires approach her, claiming that they know the whereabouts of the boy she used to love. Halyn is forced to revisit old feelings and memories that she had hoped would stay in her past, but that seem to have a way of resurfacing.They say they need her help to stop Kai, but what if she has plans on trying to save him instead?Maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves meAnd after all, you're my wonderwall





	1. Serendipity

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First of all, thank you so much for reading this fic, even though I am very late in writing it. I have been writing this fic for a little bit under a year, since I am a really slow writer lol, but I am super proud of it. 
> 
> Now, for a bit on the fic. This fic is divided into two parts. The first part is set in 1992-1994, leading right up to Kai getting put into the Prison World. After that, the fic will time-jump and rewrite the ending of season 6, and continue on a bit. I will be keeping some elements of the end of season 6, as well as seasons 7-8, but most of that will be rewritten and will pretend like those seasons didn't exist. I am not sure yet of how long this fic will be, but I can tell you that I have 14 chapters planned out, and I have written 8(ish) of these chapters. I wrote this much ahead of time to hopefully avoid long gaps in between posting.
> 
> Another point I would like to make: This fic is told from the POV of my original character, Halyn Chase. This is as much her story as it is Kai's, and she's a character that has become very close to my heart, since she's the first character that I've written completely from scratch. I hope you love her as much as I do. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fic. This first chapter really serves as a setup for the rest of the fic, so I promise it will get more fast paced and that we'll start to dig deeper into both of their backstories as the fic continues. And I promise these notes will become shorter as the chapters go on.

 

 

I met Kai Parker in December of 1992. I didn't know it then, but my life would be forever changed.

 

I rolled my eyes as I heard my parents start arguing again. They had been married for nine months, but so far, it was anything but a happy marriage. The arguing had been constant.

"I only have one rule!" I heard him yell at her, as if he thought she would listen this time. I sighed to myself; it was the same argument they'd been having since their wedding day.

_Yeah, well, the rule sucks,_  I thought to myself.  _I don't blame her for not listening to you, and you're downright insane if you think screaming at her will make her listen. Or me, for that matter._  

If I was being honest, I was surprised my mother had stayed with him this long. He was the one who married himself into  _our_  family, and the first thing he did was try to change our way of life with his "one rule". If I was her, I never would have put up with it, but she said she loved him. I couldn't imagine how. 

The constant disagreeing had its perks, though. While they were preoccupied, I could sneak out into the woods and practice my magic. Our house shared woods with two neighbors, and going out there quickly became my favorite way to center my mind. 

I shrugged on my jacket, put on a scarf and stuffed my feet into some combat boots, and quietly crept down the stairs and out the back door. Thankfully, they were arguing in the living room this time, so I didn't have to pass them as I left.

That didn't stop me from hearing him yell at my mom. "If you're not going to respect me, maybe I should just leave!"

I silently wished that wasn't just another empty threat. Our lives were better without him.

I let my mind wander as I started on my route to my usual spot. The trek was a little harder in the falling snow, but I didn't mind. I had been taking these trips since the day after my mom married the man I was now supposed to call my "father". Yeah right.  That was never gonna happen.

As I approached my destination, I saw something out of the ordinary. Someone was already there. They had their back to me, and they were crouched against a tree.

I continued walking slowly, trying to approach unnoticed. It was a boy, that much I could tell. He was staring down at his splayed hands, turning them over to examine both sides. And was he muttering to himself?

I was so transfixed by the mysterious boy that I tripped over a tree root, falling face first into the fresh snow. I prayed that he wouldn't notice, but his head shot up and darted in my direction right away. Crap.

He got up slowly and sauntered his way to me. I flipped myself over onto my back as he approached so I could get a better view. He was tall and slightly lanky, and a bit intimidating from my spot in the snow. He had broad shoulders covered by a long black jacket. He wasn't wearing a hat, despite the cold and the snow, and I could see some snowflakes landing in his short brown hair. He was shaking just a little, which I figured was from being out in the cold for too long. His lips were tinted blue, and turned up in a lopsided type of smile. 

"You okay?" He asked slowly. His tone held a bit of concern and a bit of amusement, and something about it caught me off guard. I rolled my eyes and sat up so my back was leaning against a log. "Yeah," I groaned. "Totally meant to do that."

He chuckled and moved to join me on the log. It was then that I got a look at his eyes. They were slate gray, and stood out against his tan skin. They were full of curiosity, a little wonder, and just enough chaos to lure me in. They were the type of eyes you could easily find yourself lost in. As I was about to look away, from fear of creeping him out by staring, I noticed that they were slightly tinged red and puffy. 

All the sarcasm and irritation I had left in that moment. All I could think was that those eyes were too pretty to be crying. "Are you okay?" I asked, genuinely concerned. "Were you crying?" 

His eyes widened for a second, which confirmed my theory. "No," He said quietly, looking back down at his hands. 

When I left the house that morning, I didn't expect to find a beautiful boy crying in the woods, and I felt absolutely helpless. I didn't know him well enough to pry, so I decided to change topics a bit. "What are you doing out here?" I asked instead. "I've been coming out here for months and I haven't seen you before."

He turned his head back to look at me. "I could ask you the same question," That made me smirk a bit.

"But I asked you first." I was unreasonably relieved when he smiled back at me a bit. He dropped his head to laugh, and looked out into the trees before speaking.

"Good point, I guess. Well, the short answer is I came out here to focus. Was doing a pretty good job of it too, until you... you know, ate the snow," He turned to look at me again. "Congrats on that, by the way. That fall was... Spectacular." He said, making jazz hands to emphasize his point.

I had to laugh at that, and he gave me a big smile in response, as if my laugh brightened up his day.

"And the long answer?" I asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.

I immediately regretted the question as his face dropped. He looked away from me and started looking around the woods again, as if he'd find the answer in the trees. "Oh... You know... Just needed a break from the family..." 

Something about how he said it made me feel like he needed more than just a break. "Do they know you're out here?"

He just scoffed a bit. "In a family with six kids and two little toddlers, they don't care where their least favorite goes."

His whole body language changed, and it hurt me to see him so sad.  

"What did you come out here to focus on?" I asked, in a desperate attempt to change the subject fast. 

He snorted a little, and started looking down at his hands again, staring at his open palms. "Trust me," he said. "You would  _not_  believe me if I told you."

I chuckled to myself at that. I turned and faced him, resting my elbow on the log and propping my head up. "Try me," I said with as much sass in my voice as I could. "You'd be surprised at what I'd believe." 

He turned to me and gave me that lopsided smile that I found myself hoping for. "Are you challenging me?" He asked playfully.

"Yup," I answered simply. 

He held my gaze for a minute, and then started looking around. "Well, okay then." He reached down into the snow and started making a snowball with his bare hands. "If you insist, I actually have to show you."

He got up from his spot and placed the snowball right in front of me on the log. I just laughed at him. "I think I've seen a snowball before."

He shook his head a little, and his face morphed into one full of determination. "Watch it, " He told me, and then closed his eyes.

I decided to humor him and stare at the little ball, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to be seeing. He put one of his hands out in front of him and scrunched his eyebrows together in concentration. 

Right as I was about to ask why the hell I was staring at a snowball, it started levitating a bit. I looked over at him and saw a little smirk on his face. I stared in awe as it got six inches in the air, and then all of a sudden, it dropped and broke apart. He opened one eye and visibly slouched when he saw it had fallen. "And... That's it." He said, putting his hand down and looking away. 

I stared at him. "You're a witch," I stated, more to myself than anything. He looked up at me and looked a bit uncomfortable. 

"Well... Basically."

He must have noticed that my face broke out into a stupidly big smile, and he furrowed his brows in confusion. "Okay... You're being surprisingly cool for meeting a witch in the woods..."

I just laughed. Besides my mom, I had never met another witch before, and I could have screamed from happiness. I stood up and turned to him. 

"Watch this," I closed my eyes and focused on the spell I wanted to do. " _Incendia!_ "

I just wanted to ignite a fire between us, but I was so excited that I accidentally engulfed us in a ring of fire. He looked at me with wide eyes.

"Crap." I cursed and started trying to use the surrounding snow to put it out before I started a forest fire. "Sorry," I muttered while I ran around extinguishing it all. "Didn't mean to do all that."

He just stared at me while I hastily put out the fire. I couldn't read the look on his face. It was a mixture of hope, awe... And was that fear?

"You're a witch, too." He sounded amazed, but there was something else in his voice that I couldn't quite place. I just nodded.

"Of course you're a witch. Of course. That makes sense. That's why..." He looked up at me with his beautiful eyes, and I couldn't stop the smile that broke out on my face.

"I'm Halyn Chase." I said and thrust my hand out in front of me. 

His eyes shot down to my outstretched hand. He slowly extended his hand to shake mine. Right as his hand was about to close over mine, he flinched and pulled it back, cradling it in front of his chest. He looked back up at me with a look that was a mix of shock and panic. 

"I'm Kai Parker." He said numbly, waving awkwardly. His voice sounded almost dazed. I didn't know exactly what I did wrong, but I waved back anyway, and that seemed to appease him. He gave me a little smirk in response. 

I went back to my previous spot on the log, but as I sat next to him, his entire body stiffened. His whole demeanor had changed since I had showed off my magic. 

"Hey," I said gently. I was relieved when he looked back at me. "Are you okay?" I reached out to try to touch the back of his hand, but he pulled it away quickly as my fingers brushed his skin, gasping softly.

He nodded quickly. "Yeah... Just stressed. And cold." 

"Here," I unraveled my scarf from around my neck and held it out for him. His eyes lit up and he grabbed it from me gingerly, wrapping it around his neck. "It seems like you've been out here for a while. I think you need it a little more than I do."

I saw his shoulders relax just a bit, and I released a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"So..." I started. He looked over and cocked an eyebrow. "Is everyone in your family a witch, too?" He just nodded. 

"That must be so cool... You're the first witch I know... Besides my mom." He just chucked at that. 

"Eh... Well..." He repositioned himself into a more relaxed and comfortable position, but I could tell that his ease was contrived. "Being in a house full of witches probably sounds a lot better than it actually is." He sighed and looked down. "To be honest, being around all that witchy-woo every day is... Unbearable. Not unless I..."

He looked over at me, searching in my eyes for something. I don't know if he found it, but he turned away. "It's not as fun as it sounds, I'll put it like that."

I was confused to say the least, but he looked like talking about his family was physically paining him, so I didn't want to push him. I was surprised when he continued. 

"It's lonely. And... you wouldn't think it would be, but it is. It's so lonely... I mean... they don't even know I'm out here. Or maybe they do and just... Don't care."

I started to reach out to touch him, but thought better of it. He didn't seem to be one for physical contact, so I settled for inching myself a bit closer. He flinched, but didn't move away, so I took that as a good sign. 

"Well... I've been feeling pretty lonely recently, too. That's what made me start going on these walks. So how about... We be lonely together?" 

He looked back at me with a face so full of hope that my heart broke. Something told me that having friends was new to him. It was to me, too. He gave me a small nod, and I returned it.

I was going to continue, but before I could, my pager started going off. That was usually my mom's signal that they were done arguing and I had about ten minutes to sneak back home before my "father" started looking for me. She was okay with the walks as long as I got back home unnoticed. 

"I'm so sorry," I said as I started to get up. "My mom needs me home, like now." I held up my pager so he could see. He nodded, but I could tell he was a little disappointed. 

"It was nice talking to you," I told him, and I truly meant it. I started to walk away, but I only got four steps away before I turned back around. He was looking back down at his hands. 

"Hey, Kai," I called and he looked up to meet my eyes. "I come out here everyday. I'd love to have someone to talk to. And you know... You have to return my scarf," His face slowly broke out in a smile and he nodded at me. 

I walked back to my house quickly and successfully snuck back into my room unnoticed. I plopped down onto my bed, and I couldn't stop the grin from forming on my face when I thought about my encounter. 

I had a feeling I would be seeing Kai Parker again very soon.


	2. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter is here! This week has been super hectic for me, but I was determined to get this posted today! We're diving a little deeper into Halyn's past in this one, but we're still only just scratching the surface. Anyway, without further ado, I hope you love it!

 

The next day, I didn't have to wait long to be able to sneak out.

I woke up to the sound of yelling. I sighed, deciding to try to wait it out before going downstairs. All the negative energy in the house was becoming draining, and I didn't want to subject myself to it, or become the target of another argument.

I must have stayed staring at the ceiling for at least ten minutes, and it didn't sound like they were going to stop anytime soon. Actually, judging by their voices, it sounded like it was just getting started. 

I figured I might as well go out and practice my magic. I had wanted to wait until later when Kai may be there, but anywhere was better than laying in my room listening to their crap. I grabbed my jacket and got myself ready. I went to grab my scarf, and smiled to myself as I remembered why I didn't have it. I had meant to get Kai's pager number before I left, but in my hurry, I had forgotten. I had to remember to get it today. 

My plan was to grab myself a bagel or something to eat before I left, but I stopped short as I got to the bottom of the stairs. My parents usually argued in the living room, but it seems that whatever they were arguing about this time was sparked from something that happened in the kitchen. They were in the middle of a heated argument, with my mom facing the door. We locked eyes as soon as I appeared in the doorway. Her eyes only flickered to mine for a brief second though, as she refocused on him.  I could tell that she was trying not to give me away.

"The burner wasn't working." she told him.  Her voice was considerably calmer than it had been only minutes before. She claimed that she didn't like to argue with him in front of me, but with how much they argued, I didn't fully believe it. "I had to cook  _your_  breakfast somehow, and I couldn't do that without a fire."

She didn't even get to finish her sentence before he started yelling again. "I don't really give a damn what you used it for, Karlene! We had a deal... A deal that you seen to constantly be forgetting!"

She slumped a little, and I could tell that she really didn't wanna go down this route again. I gestured a little bit to the door, and she looked up and me and nodded ever so slightly. Not enough that he would have noticed, but enough to let me know that she was okay with my walk. She straightened up, and looked him straight in the eye. 

"I haven't forgotten anything, Joe." She gave him a look of defiance, and we both knew that saying that would continue the argument for at least ten more minutes. Her eyes met mine quickly, letting me know that she would buy me as much time as she could. I gave her a silent nod of thanks, and left.

My mom was a beautiful woman. She always told me that I looked a lot more like my father than her, and though I had never known him, I believed it. I had long, pin straight black hair and eyes so blue they were almost violet. She always told me that my eyes held my every emotion in them. Her skin was sunkissed and radiant when she was happy, and her eyes were a dazzling emerald shade. Her dark, curly hair always cascaded around her face like a lion's mane, and she had the heart of a lion, too. I hadn't seen that woman in a while; that fierce, confident woman, not since her wedding day. I hated Joe for many things, but I think the main reason was for stealing my mom's confidence. He took a strong, amazing lady, and made her feel weak and defenseless when she was anything but. She would do anything to protect me, including taking an onslaught of abuse from the man that she "loved" in order to let me sneak out the house. I wished I could protect her the way she always protected me. 

I was so engrossed in my thoughts and self pity that I wasn't really paying attention as I walked. As I reached my spot, I was shocked to see Kai already there. Not only was he already there, he was lounging and eating from a bag of chips. If it weren't for the chips, I would have wondered if he even went home yesterday. 

"Oh... Uh... Hi." I waved a little, but I was still too shocked to say anything more. 

"Hello," He just looked up and smiled, as if him being there was completely normal. He saw my face and his smile dropped a bit. "Oh... You're confused. Well, I was waving at you before, but you were up in la la land." He gestured to his head with his chip for emphasis, before eating it. 

I let out a small chuckle and shook my head. "What are you doing out here so early?"

He just shrugged. "Same reason as yesterday... minus the focusing, and plus the eating."

He seemed to feel a lot better than yesterday, so I decided to proceed. "What happened?"

He gave me a look that made me think asking about that was wrong, but he started talking before I could apologize. 

"Well..." He started, and then took another bite of his chips. I thought he was going to use that as a stalling tactic, but he kept talking through his food. "Sissy decided to parade around the house showing off a new spell she learned. When I stopped her to try it for myself... Well... My family didn't like that too much. Screaming ensued, words were said, blah blah blah... And so I came out here to let them cool off."

It seemed weird that he told me this story with such calmness. He seemed so fragile yesterday. He seemed close to falling apart, but today, he had it all together.

"So you're okay?" I asked slowly. It wasn't that I didn't want him to be okay, I just wanted to make sure, since he seemed far from it yesterday.

"Yup. Full of energy," he said simply.  He then proceeded to levitate a stick, as if that was all the proof I needed. I decided not to press the issue any further. I was going to say something, but before I could, my stomach rumbled loudly. I had almost forgotten that I didn't eat anything for breakfast. 

"So you just happen to be out here with a bag of chips on the day I don't eat breakfast? That's convenient." I chuckled to myself as I took a seat next to him. He just stared at me. 

"Excuse me," he said, and his tone made me freeze in place. "These are not chips. They're pork rinds. Don't insult them like that." 

I sighed in relief. "Oh I'm sorry," I said, my voice full of sass. "You're out here with pork rinds... What the hell does that even taste like?"

He just shrugged. "Sorta what I would expect happiness tastes like."

"Ooh," I went to reach out for the bag, but then remembered my manners and clasped my hands together in my lap. "Then you've gotta let me have some. I'm starving." I slowly extended a hand for emphasis. He smiled and nodded once. 

He tried to pour the pork rinds into my hand without spilling any, but my hand was small and the bag was pretty huge. He went to reach for my wrist to position my hand better, but something made him pull away quickly before he actually grabbed me. He reached in to give me some, but then decided against that at the last minute, too.  

He locked eyes with me, and his held so much intensity that I was momentarily breathless. His grey irises held so many different emotions... Trust... Sadness... Pain... Worry... Determination... Fear... I didn't know what was wrong and I didn't wanna pry, but I would have done anything to fix it.

He closed his eyes and took a long deep breath, and I thought I heard him mutter the words  _it's okay_  to himself, but I couldn't be sure. He opened his eyes and fixed his focus to my outstretched hand. He slowly extended his hand and gingerly grabbed my wrist with two fingers, and held it steady while he poured some rinds into my hand. He took a sharp intake of breath as he touched me, but he didn't pull away.

I quietly took in a breath as his fingers touched my skin. They were extremely hot; something I couldn't quite explain, since it was winter and his hands were bare. I could feel him shaking, as if he was terrified that he was touching me. I wanted to tell him that he could let go if he needed to, but there was a weird sort of intimacy in his touch, and I couldn't bring myself to give it up. 

I looked up and saw him taking in huge breaths, trying to keep himself calm and steady, and his face kept switching between still and serene to scared and sad. 

He pulled away quickly, and backed up a couple inches. He didn't seem to care if I saw him move away from me or not. He was in his own little world, staring at his hand with shock written all over his face. I found my skin longing for his touch again. It felt like it was buzzing with his absence.

He looked up at me with wide, innocent eyes. "Are you okay?" He asked. His tone sounded like he thought something was seriously wrong with me. 

I just blinked at him. I was transfixed by his eyes for a second, and it took me a moment to even process the question. "Am I... Kai, I'm fine... I'm okay... what... what happened? Are  _you_  okay? You... You look like you've seen a ghost..." 

I was super confused and didn't know what caused him to look at me like that, but as I spoke, his eyes filled with wonder.

"You're fine..." Disbelief dripped from his voice. He looked back down at his hand. "You're fine... That means... I didn't... Oh my God, you're okay..." The more he talked, the more incredulous he sounded.

"Kai..." I said slowly. "You're scaring me..."

He looked up at me with a big smile on his face, and though I didn't really know what was going on, I was happy that whatever it was made him that happy. 

He shook his head once and fast, and then looked at me as if the past five minutes never happened. "I'm good." He said in his normal, smug voice. "Perfectly fine. Now go ahead, eat some." He gestured towards the pork rinds that I had almost forgotten he gave me.

I was puzzled to say the least, but my hunger got the best of me, so I decided to put off my questions for the time being. 

I popped a pork rind into my mouth and had to consciously stop myself from making a face. We definitely had different ideas of what happiness tastes like. They were awful... The best way I could describe them were if something terrible was done to bacon. It took everything in my power to force a little smile and continue eating. After all the trouble he went through (what even was that??), I couldn't bring myself to tell him I hated them. Plus, I was too hungry to care.

  
"So Halyn..." My name sounded foreign in his mouth, like he was still getting used to using it. "I have a question for you." 

I nodded in acknowledgment and continued choking down the food. 

"So you know why I'm out here..." He leaned back and made himself comfortable, as if he was readying himself to hear a long story. "What are you doing here?"

I chuckled a bit. It was a fair question, but it was in fact a long story, and I wasn't sure I wanted to share it with someone who I just met yesterday.  However, when I looked into his eyes, I saw a look full of hope. Hope for what, I didn't know. But I didn't want to let him down. 

I decided to start with the easy answer and see if he would accept it. "I came out here to practice my magic." It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth.

"Okay..." He deadpanned, clearly not buying it. "But you can do that in your room whenever you want." He scoffed and looked away. "It's not like you have my family."

I really wanted to ask him about that. He always talked so negatively about his family and I wanted to know why, but he kept talking before I had the chance. He sat forward and leaned in close to me. "Come on... Why are you really out here? I can keep a secret."

His eyes told me that was true, and they hinted to experience. I sighed and looked down at my hands. "My dad died when I was young."

He stared at me with a shocked expression. "Wow okay, you're really starting from the beginning. Go on."

I smiled a bit. "As far as I can remember, it's just been me and my mom. And it's been awesome. But she's always been on the hunt for... A new husband." I closed my eyes for a bit, dreading this part of the story. "I mean, it's not like I hated all the dudes she dated. I mean, Kris was really nice... And Josh could cook, which was awesome... And she was with Steven  _forever_... But Joe..."

God, the name tasted sour in my mouth. I had never told anyone about my hatred for Joe, mostly because I didn't really have many friends, and the few I did would never understand my issue with him. I met his eyes, and I could tell he was engrossed in my story.

"There was always something off about him... He always felt like he was on the brink of snapping or something... But I could never prove it. My mom loves him, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. She didn't tell him she was a witch. She said she didn't see the need, in case they didn't have a real future together. But they got engaged... Planned a wedding... And apparently, she never told him. He found out on their wedding day... I don't even know how he found out, but he did... Didn't take it very well. He snapped... Started screaming at her... He put the pieces together that I was a witch too... Called us liars... Freaks... She didn't wanna lose him... She did what she had to do... He was gonna walk out on her right then and there..."

I felt my anger boiling and I had to remind myself to take a deep breath. "She made a deal with him... She told him if he married her... That we'd never use magic again. Our house has been turned into a magic free zone. But I am not giving up who I am when I didn't even have a choice in the matter. It's not like she doesn't still use magic, but then he screams at her about how much of freaks we are and how he should just leave her to a lifetime of loneliness... I wish he would just leave..."

I felt a tear threaten to fall and I furiously wiped it away. I was  _not_  going to cry in front of Kai, that much was for sure. I took a shaky breath to compose myself and looked down at my hands. "So no. I can't do magic at home. Either I give it up or I come out here. And I am not giving up who I am."

Weirdly enough, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I looked up into his eyes and saw something I didn't expect; complete understanding. His eyes held every emotion that I was feeling, plus a few others that I was scared to admit to myself. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and slowly placed a hand on my knee. It was the ghost of a touch, barely there, but enough for me to feel the heat of his hands through the denim jeans I was wearing. He still seemed a bit frazzled from touching me, but he didn't seem as freaked out as a few minutes before. I figured it was because he wasn't directly touching my skin. Either that or he had gained a bit of confidence from touching me before.

"I get it... It's the worst type of hurt when the people closest to us ask us to hide ourselves... Or they hate you for who you are... Make you feel like a defect... An outcast..." He looked like he was going to keep talking, but decided against it and instead took a huge handful of pork rinds and shoved them into his mouth. 

Despite being upset and on the verge of tears, I had to laugh. He was a pig when he ate, and he was spilling crumbs all over himself. "Hey," I said weakly, but loudly enough for him to look up. "Don't get crumbs all over my scarf."

He gave me that little lopsided smile. "As far as I remember, this scarf is mine until further notice."

I smiled and nodded back at him. I really wanted to ask him about his family, about what he meant about feeling like a defect, but I couldn't bring myself to bring the mood back down.

"You know..." He said with a mischievous grin. "If this Joe guy is really as bad as you say... Maybe he's the perfect candidate for..." He trailed off his sentence, and mimed an explosion with his hands. I scoffed and rolled my eyes, but when I looked back at him, he looked completely serious.

"Kai, I'm not gonna set him on fire!" I laughed and gently pushed his shoulder. He stiffened under my touch for a split second, but relaxed instantly. 

He looked at me with a blank stare, as if he didn't understand the joke. "Why not?" he asked simply. 

My face fell, and I was so thrown off by the question that I struggled to find my words. "Be... Because he's a... He's a person... And I'm not gonna just... Light him on  _fire_  for being an ass."

He just shrugged and smirked slightly. "Well... I mean... It's still an option."

I laughed and shook my head. "No... I don't think it is." I suddenly remembered something. "Hey, I meant to get your number yesterday."

He looked completely taken aback, as if I told him that I actually have two heads. His face slowly morphed into a smile. "Really?" He asked with such childlike wonder, and it made me question if he had ever had friends before. 

I was probably grinning like an idiot, but I didn't care at that point. "Yeah. I mean, I wanted to yesterday, but I was such a rush when I left... And I'm probably gonna get called back at any minute... My mom can only argue for so long... So I wanted to make sure I got it today."

He just kept staring at me with such a purely joyful expression that I felt bad for interrupting it. "So..." I started. "Can I have your number?" I was starting to get a bit nervous, since I had sorta put myself out there. 

He blinked a couple times, and then snapped out of it. "Oh. Yeah. That. Duh. It's 555 hiya Kai."

I busted out laughing. "No, it is not."

He met my laughter with some of his own. "I know, right? Didn't I score the best number ever?" I was laughing too hard to respond, so I just nodded. He continued talking when I had calmed down enough that I would understand him. "So... Like... You can just page me when you come out here and... I'll come out. I mean, it's not like I'm very welcome over there. I'd rather be out here."

He kept bringing up his family, and something was seriously bugging me about the way that he said they treated him. "I will, I will." I dismissed the first part of his statement with a wave of my hand. "But about your family..." 

His face dropped, and I knew I shouldn't be bringing it up, but I was too curious. Before I could continue however, I felt my pager start going off. I took it out of my pocket and groaned. My mom was calling me back.  _Nice timing, mom._

"Sorry. I have to go." I saw his body visibly relax as he realized that I wouldn't be able to ask about his family. I decided I should probably just wait until he opened up a little more. 

"Here, take these." I plopped the remaining pork rinds he gave me into the bag. "Sorry, but they're disgusting." He just laughed at me.

"See you tomorrow." I said, getting up from my spot and walking away. Before I left earshot, I called over my shoulder "And for God's sake, take care of my scarf!" I heard his laughter follow me as I left, and I couldn't help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a tiny bit of a warning, the chapters will become longer as the fic progresses. When I first wrote these beginning chapters, it was my first attempt at a fic, so they were short, but as I've grown as a writer over the year I've worked on this, they've become significantly longer.
> 
> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	3. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm posting this chapter a little later in the day than usual, but that's okay because I actually met my deadline for myself. Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for your comments and kudos, and wanted to let you know that comments on my fics literally make my day, so don't be afraid to comment, even if it's a smiley face or just screaming. I love it and will respond to every one, even the screams lol.
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Warning tho, it has a bunch of angst, so be prepared.

 

 

I didn’t find out the truth about Kai until April of 1993.

The last days of 1992 came and went as the seasons changed. Winter turned to spring, and there were rarely any days that we didn’t spend together. If I came out first, I would page him and he’d come straight away, as if he was waiting for me. There were days where he paged me first, but not as often. We grew closer, from friendly strangers to good friends. We started sharing things, from music to memories.

There were some days where he was full of energy. He was his snarky, funny, sometimes annoying but loveable self. He wouldn’t be as afraid to touch me, though he still have his reservations about it, and I could tell it still made him uncomfortable. He used magic without a care, and though he wasn’t the best at it, I could tell using it put a smile on his face. I started bringing CDs for him to listen to on these days. He managed to get me into Pearl Jam, and I was ecstatic when he loved U2 as much as I did. There was even one time he almost lit my discman on fire because I had brought him a Spin Doctors album.

But there were days where he was different, almost like a completely different person. He’d be closed off, and he'd barely even speak to me. He took solace in my company, I could tell that much, but he wouldn’t talk much, and flinched if I got too close to him. These were usually the days where he would share things about his family. I tried to control my curiosity and let him open up to me in his own time; he didn’t seem like he’d respond well to being pressed. I found out some things; he had a twin sister named Josette, and two little twin toddlers. He mentioned often that he wasn't very liked by his siblings or parents, and he seemed to dislike them just as much. He didn’t really talk much about why though, just that he was different and they treated him as such.

The argument started around noon that day, and I wasted no time sneaking out. As much as I hated myself for it, I had almost started looking forward to my parents’ arguments. In just a couple short months, it had went from something that I dreaded to the best part of my day.

I started the trek to what I had affectionately started calling in my head “our spot”. Now that there wasn’t any snow, the walk was considerably shorter, and I found myself jogging to get there.

I slowed down as I approached. Kai was already there, sitting against a tree. He usually paged me as soon as he got there, but from the looks of it, he had been there for at least a little while. I heard him muttering and I smiled to myself. He had a habit of muttering. I wasn’t sure if he even realized when he did it.

My smile dropped as soon as I got a good look at him, though. He was trembling so hard that I could see it from a distance. His knees were pulled up to his chest, and he was hugging them close. His head was leaning back against the stump of the tree and his eyes were closed. His cheeks were wet and I could see a tear silently sliding down. 

I knelt down in front of him and touched his knee gently to get his attention. His entire body stiffened immediately, and his eyes shot open. They looked wild; a mix of sad and hungry. They scared me a bit, but I held my ground.

“Kai?” I whispered instead. His eyes registered my face and he moved his knee quickly so I wasn’t touching it anymore. His eyes widened and looked to get even more frazzled. He backed up so he was flush against the stump.

“Halyn… You’re early.” He sounded shocked, and his voice was barely audible. “You’re not supposed to be here yet.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. It wasn’t a question of  _if_  there was something wrong; he was clearly troubled. 

He started shaking his head, and his words were just loud enough for me to hear. “They don’t understand. They don’t understand.” He was chanting it to himself, as if the more he said it, the less true it would be. 

I acted on instinct. It was physically paining me to see him so sad, and my first thought was to bring him close to me in a hug.  He stiffened immediately, but he made no move to escape my hug. I used my hand to guide his head into my shoulder, and I stroked the hair at the nape of his neck. “It’s okay,” I whispered in his ear. “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m here.” I felt him start to relax and stop trembling, and I was thankful that I was helping him, even if it wasn't much.

The longer I held him, the more he melted into my touch. The tears had stopped, and he was calming down with every second. He leaned into me more, and draped his arms over me, returning my hug. One hand went to the small of my back and one went to the back of my bare arm.

I took a second to revel in his touch before it all went downhill.

My entire body felt like it was burning, like I was on fire. My head was spinning, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt as if my soul was being scooped out of my body. I felt my strength leaving, as if it was being sucked out of me through a straw. I slumped forward a little onto Kai, trying to use him to keep me up, but that only made the pain infinitely worse.

I couldn’t think, let alone speak. I racked my brain, trying to find even an ounce of concentration. I forced myself to take my mind off the pain for as long as I could to try to figure out where it was coming from. It was then that I realized it was coming from the places where Kai was touching me.

My arm felt like lead, but I managed to pick it up and wrap my hand around his bicep. “Kai…” I breathed out, squeezing his arm. I couldn’t imagine I squeezed it that hard, but it was all the strength I could muster.

He gasped loudly and moved away from me quickly. I felt myself falling, but I caught myself at the last minute. I managed to lift my head and look at him, and he was staring at me with wide eyes. He had moved as far away from me as possible, but I could still see the fear in his eyes.

“Oh my God.” I heard him saying to himself. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

“What did you just do?” I asked weakly. I felt disconnected from my body. Every movement hurt, and my skin was buzzing uncontrollably.

“Oh my God… I’m so sorry… please tell me you’re okay… please please please.” He moved closer to me again, and he gently moved a strand of hair behind my ear, careful not to touch my skin. As he got closer to me, I felt the buzzing intensify. Even if I wanted to move away, I didn’t have the strength.

“What did you do?” I asked louder and with as much force as I could.

“I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to take your magic… I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to…”

_Take my magic? What was he talking about?_  I couldn’t think, but something about that sounded familiar. My mom had told me something about witches that can steal other people’s magic.  _What were they called?_

“You’re a siphon… That’s why you don’t like me touching you… Why you won’t touch me…” I wasn’t sure if that was the name; my brain was way too cloudy to trust my memory, but I figured I was right by his reaction. He flinched when I said the name, as if it hurt him to hear. He looked away, and I could see the tears were starting to flow again.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he whispered. I didn’t know if it was because of the hurt in his voice or my delirium, but I believed him.

I groaned as I adjusted myself and sat up. “I know,” I said simply.

He looked at me, but when our eyes met he looked away quickly. He started pacing. Towards me and then away, towards me and then away.

He stopped with his back facing me and muttered something.

“What?” I asked.

He turned back to me, and I saw his anger bubbling up. “What are you waiting for? Go. Leave. Get as far away from me as possible.”

I couldn’t figure out if I had heard him right. “Leave… Why would I leave?"

“Because!” he screamed. I had to resist the urge to flinch at his tone. When he continued, though, he sounded broken. “I have hurt…  _everyone_ … that I have ever cared about… My own family calls me an abomination… Defective… I can’t even touch anyone… I am alone…  _I am alone_!”

I felt a tear threaten to escape my eyes, and I didn’t try to stop it. I hated seeing him in this much pain. He walked over to me and knelt down in front of me again.

“So why… why should I think that you won’t leave me? Just like everyone else has?” He looked me straight in the eyes, daring me to tell him differently.

I sat forward and cupped his face with my hands. My hands started to vibrate as I made contact with his skin, but I tried my best to ignore it. At my touch, I felt him try to pull away, but I held him firm and in place. I could tell that I had caught him off guard, but that was what I was going for. I was not going to let him shut me out. Not over this.

I stared into his eyes. God, were they beautiful, but they were also broken. He looked absolutely terrified, sad, and angry all at the same time. That was the weight of his existence, the constant fear of hurting everyone, the constant pain of being shunned. It was the weight that he was carrying on his shoulders.

“If you think that I’m going to run over this, you are dead wrong. ” I saw a flicker of hope appear in his eyes, but he shut it down right away. He was trying so hard to not his hopes up. He started to try to protest, but I cut him off before he could even begin. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you, Kai. This… This is a part of you… A big part… But it doesn't change anything, okay? I told you I was here for you, and I am… I am here for you… I mean it.” 

He was shaking his head before I was even done talking. “You don’t understand,” his voice broke, and so did my heart.

“Then help me understand,” I pleaded with him. I knew that if I showed even a shred of fear, I would lose him. He so desperately wanted someone to believe in him, to care about him. I wanted to be that person for him.

He sighed, and I could tell he was resigning himself to the fact that I wasn’t leaving him to his self pity. I let go of his face and he moved to sit next to me. I folded my hands in my lap to try to get them to stop buzzing with his absence. It didn't help.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes. He clasped his hands and started rubbing his palms together. We were quiet for so long that it startled me when he broke it.

“You wanna know when I found out I was… I was a siphon?” His voice held so much pain that I almost didn’t want him to continue, but my curiosity got the better of me. He turned his head towards me and I nodded once. I couldn’t stop staring at his eyes. He looked so vulnerable, so broken. I had a feeling I was the first person he was telling these things to.

“I must have been… like five or six… And I was just… Holding my dad’s hand. You know, like little kids do… And it baffled me at the time that… he just started screaming… I thought ‘well, if something’s wrong, I should hold onto him… He can protect me’…” He chuckled a bit, but it was devoid of humor. “Imagine my shock when I found out he was the one who needed to be protected from me… Or at least, that’s what he thinks.” 

He looked away from me with a shamed expression on his face. I wanted so desperately to reassure him, but I didn’t know how, so I stayed quiet.

“They… don’t get it. Not one of them… They wander around the house lighting things up and making them float… And me? it kills me… All that magic… It itches in my bones, it’s… it’s just beyond my grasp… and it feels like an addiction. The longer I go without it, the more I crave it and it’s… horrible. It's horrible. They try to paint me as the bad guy… the villain... the one who can’t keep his urges under control but… They don’t get it…”

He sighed. I wanted to tell him it would all be okay, but I knew he wouldn’t believe me if I did. “They won’t even let me touch them… Every day… I have to be so careful… If I lose control for even a second… Well, you know what happens.”

“Hey, look at me,” I said gently, and it bothered me that he didn’t acknowledge me. “Kai. Look at me.”

He turned his head slowly, and I wanted to touch him so badly. It felt like my energy was calling out to him, as if it wanted to be a part of him. I figured it was a side effect of the siphoning.

“You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me, okay? I’m not gonna pretend to be able to relate to any of that, because I can’t… But I can listen… and I can be here for you… You don’t have to be alone… This is who you are… You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

I could see his walls crumbling, but he was still fighting it. He still didn’t trust himself. “I hurt everyone I care about…”

I gave him a sad smile. “I don’t believe that. I believe in you, though. And I believe…”

I was taking a risk, but he needed to be able to trust himself. I reached out and grabbed both of his hands. He gasped and tried to pull them away, but I held my ground, squeezing them tightly in my smaller hands. “I believe you won’t hurt me.”

He looked down at our hands with wide eyes. I was hyperaware of the fact that he could siphon me at any second, and I could tell he was too. Yet, the pain never came. My skin was buzzing like crazy with the contact, but nothing beyond that happened.

“You are not an abomination, you are not a monster… you’re Kai Parker and I…” I stopped myself, thinking the sentence through before I said something I would regret. It was  _not_  the time for that. “Well… I think you’re pretty great.” 

He gave me his lopsided smile, and with that, I knew I had won him over. “I am pretty great, aren’t I?”

I let out a huge laugh. I was so relieved to hear him joking around. I nodded, and with that I let go of his hands. His touch lingered on mine, but he eventually pulled away.

“Don’t be scared of yourself… I believe in you… Don’t forget that.”

He gave me a smile. He looked happy, genuinely happy, and I was thankful that I had caused it.

I clapped my hands together. “Well, come on then,” He gave me a perplexed look, and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at it. “You have my magic… You might as well use it!”

His eyes lit up, as if no one had ever asked him to use magic before. I was sure no one had. I got up and gathered some rocks, placing them a couple of feet in front of him.

“How about you make these rocks come to you?” I gathered some more and made a second pile. I sat back down next to him and demonstrated, bringing the rocks gently into my hand.

He put his hand out in front of him and closed his eyes in concentration. As soon as he started trying to use magic, the buzzing intensified. It was as if my magic was drawn to him. I tried my best to ignore it, but it wasn't working that well.

The rocks shifted in place, but they didn’t move. He opened his eyes and looked over at me. He took his attention away from the spell for one second to try to tell me something, and the pile of rocks combusted. I held my arms up over my face to protect myself from the debris.

“Well, that was great.” He muttered and dropped his hand in defeat. I just chuckled.

“It wasn’t that bad…”

He just shook his head. “They exploded!”

I shrugged. “At least they didn’t catch on fire. Whenever I mess up a spell, I end up lighting things on fire.”

He laughed at me. “Well, that can be inconvenient. Unless, of course, you’re trying to light something on fire.”

I smiled and nodded. I was grateful for this. He was acting like himself again. He didn’t seem afraid anymore. I knew there was a part of him that would probably always be a little fearful of hurting people, but I was glad I was able to make it go away for a bit.

“Hey… Just curious. How long have you been out here?”

He shrugged. “Probably longer than I should be, to be honest.”

I played with the rocks in my hand. “They don’t notice when you’re gone?”

“No, they do…” He looked at me and smiled. “I’d just rather be out here.”

He sighed and looked up. “I should probably go back home, though.”

I was disappointed, but I considered it a victory that he was willingly going back to his family. I knew that he was too cocky to say it, but I could tell from the little smile that he gave me that he was grateful for my company. Conveniently enough, my pager started going off.

“Oh, well, I have to get home too.” I got dizzy as I was getting up, and I felt Kai grab my shoulder to keep my steady. He was barely touching me, but I felt the heat of his hands through my shirt. I was proud that he willingly touched me, and I hoped that the smile I gave him portrayed that.

“Are you okay?” He asked, and then moved his hand away quickly. He probably thought he hurt me again. His face was riddled with worry.

“Yeah. Just still a tiny bit weak from… earlier.” He gave me an apologetic look, but I waved it away quickly. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

I gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. "Remember. It’s who you are. Don’t be afraid of it.” 

He nodded, and we went our separate ways. As we parted, the buzzing in my bones started to settle, which I was thankful for. I didn't know if I had convinced him, or if he would ever be able to let go of the fear he had of himself, but I had eased his mind for a bit. And in that moment, that was all that mattered to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	4. Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 has arrived! These two weeks have been a bit hectic, and towards the end of it I developed carpal tunnel from typing so much. I'm hoping that'll go away a bit so I can type more (with less pain). However, this is why I wrote so far ahead: so life problems wouldn't get in the way of updates. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter, and remember I love all kudos and comments and respond to every comment!

 

One of my favorites memories of Kai was in August of 1993.

Kai had paged me earlier in the day, calling me out to the woods to meet. I groaned when I saw his message. I wanted to go and meet with him, I really did, but lately, my parents were actually getting along. They had come to a weird sort of stalemate, which meant no distractions to allow me to sneak out. I hadn't been able to meet with him all week, and I knew that that probably bothered him even more than it bothered me. I felt horrible for wishing they'd argue, but if they weren't preoccupied, I couldn't go and meet Kai. 

I paged him back, simply writing "can't". It wasn't much of an explanation, but it was the best I could do. I flopped down onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

I felt bad. I had been MIA all week, and knowing Kai, I knew he was probably disappointed. I hoped that he would understand whenever I got the chance to explain it to him. 

I didn't want to be the reason that my parents started arguing again, but I knew that if I was near Joe, I would probably cause something. We were like oil and water; he could always find something to yell at me for. Instead, I opted to just camp out in my room most of the week. I couldn't be an issue if I wasn't around. After we all ate dinner, with a very tense silence hanging in the air, I basically ran back into my room. In desperate need to block out my thoughts, I put my headphones in and started listening to whatever CD I had left in my discman.

I smiled as the first bars started playing. It was "Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid" by Collective Soul. Kai had fell in love with this album, and had even bought me this CD himself so that I could hear it. Since then, I had grown obsessed with it.

I closed my eyes and tried to let the music drown out my thoughts. I had become so accustomed to the arguing and yelling in my house that now that it was gone... The silence was unsettling. The silence was almost worse than the anger. At least with anger, you know where everyone stands.  With silence... Well... Silence was unpredictable and fragile, and I knew this one was going to shatter at any minute. 

As the fifth song faded, I heard a sound. I slowly took off my headphones and sat up. I listened for a bit and didn't hear anything, but right as I was going to put them back on, I heard it again. A small tapping. I looked around the room for the source of the noise, and as I did I saw something small hit my window, making the noise.

"No way," I muttered to myself, putting my music to the side and hastily going over to my window. Right as I approached the glass, a rock flew up and hit it, causing me to flinch and back up. Looking at the window, I saw that the last rock had cracked the glass a little bit, and a thin web of lines appeared where it had hit. 

"Is he really..." I muttered to myself. I opened the window carefully and peeked my head out, and sure enough, Kai was there. He was wearing a worn blue t-shirt, and had a messenger bag slung over his left shoulder. He was standing in front of a little pile of rocks, and he had another one in his hand ready to throw. As soon as he saw me, his face broke out in a smile and he dropped the rock. 

"Halyn!" he said cheerfully, and I would've been happy at how joyous he sounded saying my name if it wasn't for the fact that he was screaming outside my window. Joe would kill me if he found out about this. 

"Be quiet!" I whisper-yelled at him. "You're going to get me in trouble."

His face faltered for a bit, but then he perked back up. "I paged you. Come." He gestured behind him towards the woods as he spoke. I was thankful that he was talking a bit quieter, and that he came all the way here to summon me, but I couldn't leave. 

"I already told you I can't." Even from my spot a floor above him, I could see his body visibly deflate. 

"But I have a surprise for you..." He held up his messenger bag in front of his face, and peeked at me from over it with big puppy dog eyes. I was momentarily taken aback by the way the moonlight hit his eyes, but I forced myself to stay focused on the conversation. 

He knew that I was way too curious for my own good, and that he could reel me in by promising a surprise. I found it hard enough  to resist him on a normal basis, but he didn't need to know that. 

"Kai..."

"Please." He sounded so sad in that instant that I felt my resolve melt away. I knew that this 'surprise' couldn't be a life or death situation, but he made it sound so dire. He made it sound like he needed me, and I didn't want to let him down. 

I looked back at the clock on my nightstand. 9:13 pm. At this time, well, Joe was probably finishing off his second bottle of beer, ready to start the third. Which meant that, in theory, I could probably sneak out... No one would notice if I was gone for half an hour... As long as I was back by 9:45...

I sighed and rolled my eyes at myself. "Fine. Give me a minute."

He immediately perked up and I felt my skin start buzzing. Since the day he accidentally siphoned me, I had felt this vibration on my skin when I was around him. It was mostly whenever his emotions spiked. At first, it was really weird, but at this point it had become normal, and it felt like another connection between us. I wondered if this was normal, but I hadn't had the courage to bring it up to him. 

I ducked back into my room to change and get my things together. "And bring your music!" I heard him yell.

My lips turned up slightly, but I tried to be stern as I peeked back out the window. "Are you kidding me? Be quiet!" I harshly whispered at him.

"Sorry," he muttered, and the buzzing went away instantly. 

I scribbled a quick "going out" note and slid it under my mom's office door. Even though she always kept it magically sealed, and told Joe it was locked, she went in there everyday, so I figured that was the safest way to let her know that I was leaving without informing Joe.

By some miracle, I managed to leave the house unnoticed. Kai's eyes lit up when he saw me, and he opened his arms wide for a hug, but decided against it before I got close enough. At this point, I had grown used to him not wanting much physical contact, but it still bothered me more than I wanted to admit to myself. 

We walked in silence with the moonlight illuminating our way. Kai was a little bit ahead of me, leading me to the spot we always went.

"So what's the surprise?" I asked, desperate to break the silence.

He turned back to me with a blank stare. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?"

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. We walked for a little bit more until Kai abruptly stopped. 

"We're here," he said simply, and started rummaging through his messenger bag. I looked around, and saw absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Before I could ask what exactly I was supposed to be seeing, he found whatever it was he was looking for. He held it up triumphantly for a second, and I laughed when I got a good look at it. 

"The surprise is my scarf?"

He shook his head quickly, and approached me slowly. "First of all, it's my scarf now, remember? And second... stand there..." he told me, and circled around so he was standing behind me. "And don't ask questions."

I was about to completely disregard that and ask what the hell was happening when my vision was covered.

"The surprise needs preparation. Stand by." 

I laughed as I realized that he was blindfolding me, being careful not to tie the end too tight around my head. 

I heard him come to the front of me, and I felt him carefully place his hand on my shoulder over my t-shirt. Despite the fabric separating our skin, I could feel the heat coming from his hands. "I will let you know when it is ready." I could hear him trying to keep his breathing even, and I heard the sigh of relief he let out after he stopped touching me.

I nodded to him, letting him know I understood. He grabbed the headphones from my hand, careful not to touch me as he did, and I smiled as he put them on my head. "For entertainment," he stated and pressed play on the discman.

I stood patiently as he did whatever he needed to do for the surprise. Despite the music filling my ears, I could hear various banging and clanging sounds. He let out the occasional curse, which made me smile a bit. 

After three songs, he came up to me and removed the headphones from my head. 

"Okay." I could hear him trying to keep his excitement at bay, and it was hard to contain my smile. "Are you ready?"

I nodded twice, and I heard him come behind me. I felt him gingerly untie the blindfold, but he held the cloth in front of my eyes for a few seconds longer. 

"Tada!" he exclaimed, pulling the scarf from my eyes and presenting me with his surprise. I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. I didn't know what exactly I was expecting, but it wasn't what I saw in front of me. 

Kai had set out a blanket on the ground, covering the dirt. He had a stack of empty Tupperwares haphazardly thrown in the middle, and two plates full of rice, beans and steak. A cluster of silverware was placed off to the side next to a couple red plastic cups. I stood in awe at the little feast that had been prepared for me. 

He came in front of me slowly, intently staring at my face trying to gauge my reaction. I could see his nervous expression out of the corner of my eye, but I was so stunned that I couldn't even move, let alone form a coherent thought that would explain the flood of emotion I was feeling. 

"This is it," he stated, uneasiness dripping from his voice. When I didn't answer straight away, he kept talking. "I mean, my family left me home alone, and I was bored... And I've cooked before, but not like, for someone, since no one would go near something I made... But I mean, it is edible... I would know... I just wanted to..."

"Kai," I cut off his nervous babble with a smile, and his eyes, which were full of hope, turned to me. I slowly reached my hand out, hovering it over his shoulder. When he didn't flinch or back away, I took it as a sign that it was okay to place it onto his shirt. "Thank you," was all I could manage.

His face slowly broke out into a smile identical to my own. "In that case... Welcome to Chez Parker!"

He plopped down onto the blanket and gestured across him, signaling for me to sit. I obliged, sitting slowly and crossing my legs under myself. He pushed my plate of food towards me, and reached for his messenger bag. I eyed the plate, not being able to stop my brain from thinking that this seemed an awful lot like a date. I pushed the thought down as fast as it had came. 

"What would you like to drink, mi'lady?" he asked in what had to have been the worst French accent I had ever heard. I laughed and shook my head at him.

"Do you really have options?" I asked as he rummaged through the bag.

He looked up at me, smirking ever so slightly. "I have two options. Soda or tequila?" He reached both arms into the bag, and when they emerged, he was holding a Coke can in one hand, and the other held a shot glass and a half-filled bottle of tequila.

I pointed to the soda can, and he placed it on the blanket and slid it over to me, also passing me a cup.

"Whatever. More for me," he muttered to himself. Before I even had the chance to say anything, he opened the bottle, poured some of the contents into the glass and downed it quickly.

I gaped at him, and he chuckled when he saw my appalled reaction.

"Before you say anything," he started, pointing a finger at me lazily. I didn't even want to think about how strong the liquid had to be for it to be affecting him already. "First, the parental units are not home, so no I won't get caught. Second, I turned twenty one in November, so it's legal. And three, yes, I will be careful." I had to stifle a chuckle at the fact that as he spoke he was counting off with his fingers, and he ended on four instead of three.

I wasn't a fan of alcohol in any form, especially after seeing how Joe acted when he drank, but I decided to let it go for now. And if he thought that I wouldn't cut him off if necessary, he was insane. 

I turned my attention away from the bottle down to my food. A smile tugged at my lips when I noticed that he had brought actual utensils and plates instead of paper and plastic ones. He really went all out. 

Feeling Kai's eyes on me, I grabbed a fork and started eating. As soon as I touched the fork, I felt his energy spike. I got the feeling that it was because he was nervous, but I wasn't sure why. The vibration felt different, as if the energy was intoxicated too. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him hastily take another shot, and as he did, the vibration slowed to a stop. Ignoring the uneasiness I felt from watching him drink, I made a mental note that that was his second one. I shoveled some of the food into my mouth to distract myself, and I couldn't help my eyes from widening. Once again, I didn't know what exactly I was expecting, but Kai Parker, Master Chef definitely wasn't it.

As I went to quickly get another forkful of food, he grabbed my wrist. I had to stop myself from screaming a little when he did. My eyes snapped up to meet his, which were watching me as intently as he could. His body swayed a little bit as he looked at me, his features soft. 

"Do you like it?" He asked slowly, sounding like he was trying his hardest not to slur. I couldn't stop myself from looking down at where he was still holding my wrist. He wasn't siphoning me or anything, just simply holding it, but my skin felt like it was on fire from the contact. The vibration was almost like a pulse, slow and steady and full of his energy. 

I forced myself to meet his eyes again, which were still looking at me. I gave him a small smile. "Yeah. It's really good."

He stared at me for another few seconds, as if trying to gauge if I was telling the truth or not. Seemingly satisfied, he broke out into a smile. 

"Good," was all he said, patting my wrist twice before removing his hand. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as his touch left me. With that, he closed the bottle of alcohol, before haphazardly throwing both it and the shot glass into his bag. I involuntarily flinched as he did that, nervous that the glass would shatter in his bag. 

The conversations blurred together as we finished our meals. I noticed that Kai laughed a lot more, as if the dark cloud that he carried around all the time was suddenly lifted. He smiled a lot more too, way more carefree than I had ever seen him. I would've killed to see him that happy everyday. 

When the food was done, he grabbed both plates and sloppily threw them into his bag. This time, I was sure that I heard glass break as all of the dishes collided. Kai didn't seem to hear it tho, as he tossed the bag to the side and flopped down on the blanket. 

I followed suit, laying down on the blanket next to him. As I did, he grabbed my arm, pulling me a bit closer until we were shoulder to shoulder. He slid his hand down my forearm until it was on mine, measuring the size of my hand against his. When he was satisfied, he interlocked his fingers between mine, and dropped our hands onto the blanket between us. I heard him let out a little, content sigh as he did that. 

The skin on his hands was hot as always, but it wasn't charged with the promise of his siphoning power like it always was. It was as if he wasn't even aware of his own magic, in more ways than one. I had to remind myself to breathe, overwhelmed by the shockwaves of energy he was transferring to me in his touch. 

Instead, I focused my attention on the sky. It was riddled with bright, shining stars, and the full moon was illuminating our evening. I smiled to myself. I had always loved something about the full moon, and I knew that when the next one came along, I would think about this moment.

I turned my head to the side to face Kai, seeing that he was already looking at me with a small, lazy smile on his face. I knew that the only reason that he had such ease around me tonight was because of the alcohol, but I couldn't bring myself to care. His eyes were scanning my face slowly, as if he was trying hard to counteract the effects of the tequila and focus on my face. For the second time that night, I found myself momentarily breathless from the way that the moonlight reflected off of his eyes. 

I forced myself to break eye contact and focused my eyes upward again. "I love full moons," I heard myself say, breaking the silence.

He sighed a little and turned to face the sky as well. I felt him start to remove his hand from mine, but he changed his mind. 

"There's another one at the end of the month," he said, more to himself than to me. He didn't even sound like he needed to think about it.

"Really?" I asked, a bit shocked that he knew something like that.

He just nodded. "Yeah." He sighed again, sounding bored all of a sudden. "They're one of the more consistent celestial events, but they're nothing special."

I turned my head towards him, my interest peaked. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, they're just not that powerful," he said it so nonchalantly, as if it was common knowledge. Before I could even begin to form a question, he continued. "Like... They're stronger than some things. Like planetary events are weak. But even something like a meteor shower is stronger than a full moon. And if you're gonna pick a lunar event, you might as well choose a solar or lunar eclipse. Those are really strong. They have more than enough power to do the Merge, and they'd probably supercharge the winner a bit too. Now that's a good celestial event... One that'll still have a lot of power after a Merge. Those are the cool ones."

I would have attributed his ramble to the tequila, but he sounded almost like he was reading. He sounded well rehearsed, as if he had drilled this information into his head. My mind was racing, trying to make some sort of sense from his words, but I was just left with more questions than answers. 

"What are you talking about?" I asked before I had a chance to stop myself. "What merge?"

At that question, I felt a jolt of fear course through my body. Kai tore his hand away from mine and sat up quickly. He seemed to have sobered up, and he was looking at me with wide eyes. 

"What did you just say?" he asked in a small voice, adding to my confusion. 

"You mentioned something called a merge," I started slowly, choosing my words carefully. "I asked what it was."

His face paled a bit. "I did?"

I nodded at him slowly. I didn't know what was so scary about what I had said. All I had done was repeat his own words. If anyone should be scared, I thought it should be me, but I couldn't even focus on my own emotions as I was bombarded with a wave of panic from Kai. I had gotten a pretty good grip on ignoring the vibrations that came with his touch, and the jolts I got when his emotions spiked, but the mixture of his fear and my own confusion was making my head spin. 

I heard him start muttering to himself again, like he always did. It sounded like he said something along the lines of "I didn't wanna tell you that," but I couldn't be sure. 

He reached for his bag quickly, shoving his hand into it forcefully. I wanted to tell him to be careful, but I couldn't find my voice. 

"What is going on?" I tried to ask, but my voice came out as a whisper. 

"I didn't want..." he started, but cut himself off. He took his hand out of the bag, holding something. He tossed it to me, and I fumbled for it. I saw that he had cut his hand on some of the broken glass in his bag, but he didn't even seem to notice. 

"You should go," he said instead, changing the subject completely and avoiding my question. He gestured to the item that he tossed to me, and I looked down, seeing that he had tossed me a watch. 

I reluctantly looked down at the clock face, not wanting to tear my gaze from Kai. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the time. It was 11:37.

I had only wanted to stay out for a half hour. There was no way that no one had noticed I wasn't home. I was dead. 

"Crap," I muttered to myself, tossing his watch back to him and standing up.

I knew that he was using that to try to distract me from why he was panicking, and my suspicions were confirmed when I felt a jolt of what I would have to describe as relief flood through me as I stood. I eyed him with suspicion, and he responded by grabbing his bag and standing as well. 

"I should probably get home too," he said in a small voice, and my concern doubled. Whatever had him freaked out, it was really bad if he would rather go home than talk to me about it. 

"Okay..." I said slowly. Before I had even turned around completely to walk home, I saw Kai leave, almost running back to his home in the other direction.

I didn't know if the weird connection that I now had with Kai went both ways, but I hoped that he knew me enough to know that I wasn't going to let this go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	5. The Parkers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter is posted! This is one of my favorites so far, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for their comments and kudos. It really does mean the world to me. I've been a bit busy, and will be this weekend too (since my birthday is on Saturday), but I'll make sure to take time to read comments and reply and write so I can stay ahead of updates. Anyway, enjoy!

 

 

I didn't sleep much that night. 

I raced home, even though I knew that if I was caught, it wouldn't matter how fast I got there. I opened the door slowly and crept into the house, trying to close it as quietly as possible. I immediately muttered an invisibility spell, hoping to at least be able to gauge how angry my parents were with me before I revealed myself. 

The only sound I heard was coming from the TV, which was on way too loud. Walking into the living room slowly, with the light of the TV illuminating my way, I saw Joe passed out in his chair. I rolled my eyes at the fact that he was asleep with a half empty beer bottle still in his hand. Well, at least that explained how he was able to sleep with the TV so loud. 

I felt the impulse to lower the volume, but knowing my luck, the change in volume would probably wake him up, and then I'd really be in trouble. Instead, I backed my way out of the room and went up the stairs. 

After a quick sweep of the house, my mom was nowhere to be found. I figured that meant that she had already went to sleep. That could mean a couple things: either she wanted alone time to practice her magic, she and Joe had fought and she didn't want to be near him, or she had went to bed early because she was finding it hard to cover for me. 

I silently thanked her if it was the latter, and uncloaked myself. I found the door to my room closed, just like I had left it, and I thanked up above for that. I entered the room quickly and threw myself onto my bed, hoping that I would be able to escape into dreams. 

However, sleep never came, as my mind was too preoccupied. Kai was hiding something big, and I was going to find out what. But I had no clue where to start. 

Kai's talk about celestial events and lunar events and merges made absolutely no sense to me. Never in my years of learning magic had I heard anything about those things, so either he was crazy or he knew something I didn't. I figured it had to be the latter. 

I woke from a very uncomfortable and restless night with Kai still on my mind. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But at the same time... Kai would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't he?

As I left my room, I saw that my mom had taped a sign onto my door, reading simply "at the store". I could tell that Joe wasn't up yet; otherwise, the house wouldn't be as quiet as it was. 

I started to walk downstairs to make myself breakfast, but my steps slowed as I passed by my mom's office. Everything I had learned about magic, I had learned from her. If there was a place to start in uncovering what happened last night, her office was it.

A wave of guilt passed over me as I considered breaking into her office, but that was probably the only place I would be able to find answers. I had seen her unseal the door many times, so technically I wasn't breaking and entering. I was just... entering. 

I bent both arms at the elbows, extending my hands out with my palms facing the door and my fingers pointing down, just like I had seen her do many times. I closed my eyes and tried my best to focus, and ignore the fact that Joe was just a couple rooms down and could catch me any moment. After three tries, I finally got the door unsealed. I opened it as quietly as I could and slipped inside. I debated closing the door behind me, but I left it open, figuring that it would be easier to hear someone coming if the door was open.

I was hit with unexpected nostalgia as I entered my mom's office. Before Joe, my mother used to teach me magic in this very room. I hadn't realized how much I had missed it.

There was nothing particularly special about the room besides the memories that it held. The walls were painted a pale yellow color, and the sunlight coming in through the big window on the wall gave the room an airy feel. Her office chair and desk were on the right side of the room, in front of her huge maple bookcase. 

Everything about the room seemed normal enough besides the shelves that were lined with books all about magic, and even about various magical creatures that existed, like vampires and werewolves. I had always loved coming in here to look through her collection. It had been a while since I had been allowed that privilege, since this room had basically became off-limits once Joe entered the picture. 

I walked up to the bookcase, slowly running my hand along the spines of the books. The shelves took up the entire wall, so I knew that I wouldn't be able to reach the books at the top. I hoped that whatever book I needed would be low enough that I could reach it easily. 

I had to remind myself that I was on a time crunch, so I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. I started looking through the titles on the spines, trying to see if there were any books having to do with celestial events or merges or any of the other weird things Kai was talking about. Of course there wasn't, which meant that the search was going to be harder than I had initially hoped. 

I immediately eliminated any books about creatures, or any of the spell books. Narrowing the search down a bit, I pulled a couple of books out and started flipping through the pages, hoping that whatever I was looking for would make itself known. I was careful about not messing anything up on her desk as I looked. My mother was an accountant, and I didn't want any of her work getting misplaced during my wild magic search. 

"I suppose I should be impressed that you got in."

A voice shocked me out of my thoughts and interrupted my search. I jumped at the sound, and shot my head up, making eye contact with my mother, who was standing in the doorway, watching me with a curious expression on her face. So much for being able to hear someone coming. 

She chuckled slightly at the wide eyed look I gave her, and entered the room. She approached her desk slowly, which I had covered with books. She gently pulled her papers out from under the books and placed them in a drawer in the desk. Once her work was filed away, her eyes scanned over the books that I had taken out. They were varied in subject matter; from books on basic magical laws to books on channeling the moon's power for spells. I stood awkwardly, still hunched over the book that I was skimming through. Everything in me wanted her to leave so I could get back to my search, but I fought the urge to flip the page in front of me. She met my eyes again, questions shining in hers.

"Looking for something?" she asked cautiously. I simply nodded, hoping that would be enough, but of course, it wasn't. She looked over to her bookcase, as if taking note of which books I didn't take out, and then shifted the focus back to her desk. She collected the books, grabbing each one and forming a pile out of the mess that I had made. 

"Looking for something specific?" she pressed, giving me a look that told me that she wasn't going to accept a nod this time. 

I sighed, averting my eyes and looking down at the open book in front of me, playing with the corner of the page. "Yeah... But I'm not exactly sure what."

It was the truth. All I had to go on were Kai's weird, half-drunken words about merges and celestial events, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away.

She nodded slowly, as if hearing the conflict in my voice. She stepped a little bit closer to me, grabbing the book I was playing with and sliding it towards her.

"Does this have anything to do with where you were last night?"

I had really hoped that I had gotten away with that, but I should have known better. "I was... Out." I winced at how lame of an excuse that sounded, but once again, it technically was true. 

All she did was roll her eyes at me. "Well I know that much, honey." She walked forward and rested her hand on my arm, rubbing it in a way that was supposed to be soothing. I didn't get any comfort from it; in fact, it just made me miss the heat that came with Kai's touch. 

"You've been acting distant recently," she continued, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I've been trying to give you your space, but I'm worried. What have you gotten yourself wrapped up in?"

I was slightly proud of my mother for noticing my change in temperament, but with her last sentence, I immediately went on the defensive. "I'm not wrapped up in anything," I said, a little too quickly and a little too harshly. 

I took a breath, deciding what exactly I wanted to share. "I was out... with a boy I met. He has magic, too."

At that, my mother raised an eyebrow at me. "A boy?" she asked, as if that was the last thing she expected me to say. I could see the underlying question in her eyes.

"Yeah. He's a...friend." I hesitated as I thought for a moment. What were me and Kai exactly? He was a friend. A friend that I couldn't really stop thinking about. A friend who I looked forward to seeing as much as possible. A friend who I hated to see sad and would do anything to make feel better. A friend with absolutely beautiful eyes... But that's what Kai was. A friend. So why was I hesitating to use that word? I closed my eyes, pushing those thoughts as far down as I could.  

"He's a friend," I said again, attempting to sound more confident in my word choice the second time around, but it still sounded more pathetic than it should have. 

My mom nodded slowly, a small smile playing on her lips. I heard her mutter a small  _mmm hmm_  before she turned around and started to put the books back on the shelves. The look she gave me made me feel like she knew I was telling the truth, but didn't believe me much. Something about that made my cheeks heat up, and I was thankful that she had looked away. 

I shook my head, desperate to get my mind away from any romantic thoughts having to do with him. "His name is Kai. Kai Parker."

At the mention of his name, my mother tightened her grip on her book, freezing in the middle of placing it on the shelf. She looked back at me with a shocked expression on her face. "The siphon boy?"

I met her expression with a shocked one of my own. "You're friends with the Parkers?"

She sighed, and finished placing the books on the shelves. Once she was done, she came to the front of her desk, leaning back against it. 

"I know them, yes. Friends... is not a term I would use. His parents and I were friendly when you were small, but we have never been friends. I don't approve of the... rules they and their coven follow."

There was something in her voice that sounded suspiciously like disdain, and a little bit like disgust. I felt myself ready to go on the defensive again. "Did he tell you that he is a siphon?" she asked, and by her tone, I could tell that she doubted that he did.

I crossed my arms in front of me, meeting her eyes. "He told me a couple of months ago." I left out the part about the accidental siphoning, and that he never actually said the word itself; she didn't need another reason to judge him. 

She gave me a mildly disapproving glance, as if she wasn't happy that I was willingly spending my time with a siphon. I understood the concern. If he wasn't careful, I was probably in some serious danger, but I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. 

"What were you looking for in here?" she asked, bringing the conversation back to its origin. 

"Oh yeah. That." I looked at the spines of the books as I talked, hoping that maybe I'd be able to spot what I needed without having to tell her, but I knew I was kidding myself. I had no clue what I was looking for. 

"Kai and I were... talking yesterday," I decided to leave out the part that he was completely drunk, as I figured that wouldn't make her like him any more. "He mentioned something about celestial events, and about a merge? But when I asked him more about it, he freaked out and wouldn't tell me anything. It sort of has me worried."

Her eyebrows shot up, and a look of confusion flashed across her face. "Merge? They're gonna let him do it?" She looked down, lost in thought. "Huh. The Parkers didn't seem like people who would change their mind on that."

"So you know what he was talking about?" I asked, happy that I was finally going to get some answers, but the grave look on her face melted away my joy.

"Yes," she said, walking to her books and quickly grabbing a slim one off the shelf, tossing it onto her desk. "You were looking for this book, by the way." I didn't get a good look at the cover before she opened it and started flipping through pages, but I saw one word on the front. Gemini. 

When she found the page she was looking for, she sighed, patting the paper a bit before looking back up at me. She looked sad, but I couldn't tell what about. 

"The Parkers are part of the Gemini coven. This coven values the twins, and twins born into the Gemini are destined to inherit leadership of the coven. But there is a... ritual of sorts... that determines which twin takes over as leader. This is the merge that Kai was talking about."

I stood quietly, taking that information in. Nothing there made me understand why Kai had freaked out so badly. As if knowing what I was thinking, she gave me a sad smile and turned the book towards me, pushing it forward a bit. 

She continued before I had the chance to look down at it. "The merge is an ancient ritual that twins of the Gemini coven partake in, after the children turn twenty two. This ritual is designed to test the twins' strength against each other, and determine which one is stronger by merging their magic together." She took a deep breath, and finished in a whisper. "Only one of the twins ever survives this."

My body went numb, refusing to even attempt to make sense of it all. "No," I heard myself mumble feebly. There had to be a way that my mother was wrong. There had to be. 

She hung her head sadly, pushing the book towards me more, as if she wanted it as far away from her as possible. When she spoke again, her words sounded bitter. "Their coven tries to justify this... horrendous ritual... by claiming that the children adopt traits of the other... that their souls become one." She shook her head, as if the very thought disgusted her. "Sounds like something they tell themselves so they can sleep at night."

As much as I didn't want to, I looked down at the page in front of me. My eyes refused to focus on the words, to do anything but skim over the page, but I could see clearly, printed in black and white, that my mother was telling the truth. I felt like my heart had been pulled out of my chest and had been stomped on with every word. I leaned forward onto the desk, not trusting my knees to keep me up. I gripped the pages in between my fingers, crinkling the corners as I clenched my fists.

Kai was a Gemini coven twin. When he turned twenty two, he was going to take part in a merging ritual. And there was a fifty-fifty chance that he wouldn't make it out alive. And he only thought to mention it to me when he was wasted. 

I felt the hollowness in my chest morph into something else. Red hot anger.

My mother moved closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I met her regretful eyes, as if it pained her to have to be the one to tell me all of this. My emotions were still swirling in my head as I fought off the tears threatening to escape my eyes. 

"Halyn..." she started, concern evident in her voice. She took a second before she continued, forming her words in her head first. "I'm not going to prevent you from seeing him. That is not my place, but please, be careful. The Parker's are a family full of broken people, and broken people have a tendency to break others."

I tore my eyes away from her, not being able to continue holding her gaze as I mulled over her words. Before I could form a reply, I heard a noise outside of the room that sounded like a door closing. My mother heard it as well, tensing up at the sound. 

Just as I started to think that I had imagined the sound, a voice rang through the house. 

"Karlene, where the hell are you?"

I saw my mother's face pale as she heard Joe's voice. Apparently he had managed to drag himself to his bedroom at some point in the middle of the night, which placed him only two doors away from her office. I could tell that she knew that there wasn't any time to leave the room and pretend she was somewhere else, and I could see her trying to formulate a plan. 

The door to his room closed, and I heard footsteps coming towards the room we were in. Deciding that there was now way out of the situation, she shoved the book into my hands and hastily muttered a spell under her breath. The titles on the spines of the books morphed from books about magic to books about accounting. I smiled; it was a smart move. 

He stopped in the doorway, seeing the room open for the first time. "There you are," he said quieter, eyeing me curiously. I had to fight to not avert my eyes. 

"Hello," my mom said in what was meant to be an overly cheery voice, but it just sounded strained to me. "Look who's feeling better today..." She put her hands onto my shoulders, as if trying to center herself as she spoke. She sounded very unsure of herself, and she glanced over at me, as if begging me to go along with what she said. I turned away and forced a smile at Joe.

"We were worried after you holed up in your room last night, but we're glad to hear that you're feeling better." I looked back at her, thanking her with my eyes for covering for me. I knew it must have been hard for her to do; she was a terrible liar, but she was a master of half truths, and she probably used the fact that she really didn't know where I was to her advantage last night.

Joe ignored her words, which was expected. It's not like he actually cared where I was yesterday, or how I felt. He was probably just mad that I wasn't there to fetch him a beer. He turned his eyes to her. "What are you two doing in here?" He sounded almost angry, as if the fact that we were in her office without him somehow offended him. 

She clenched her jaw. "Talking," she said through gritted teeth.

He turned his attention back to me. The expression on his face told me that he thought he had caught us doing something wrong. Which, I guess in his eyes, he had. 

"About?" he asked, looking very impatient as he directed his question towards me. I met his gaze with my own stare. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him. I didn't owe him anything. 

I didn't know what he would do when his patience ran out, but my mom didn't seem like she wanted to know. She shot me what looked like an apologetic look before she started to speak. Before she even spoke, I knew it was going to be another half truth, but I wasn't exactly prepared for what she said.

"A boy," she said, closing her eyes and wincing as she said the words, as if she knew they wouldn't be liked, but she didn't have any other options. I tried to give her a look that said  _are you kidding me?_ , but she wouldn't meet my eyes.

His expression was one of complete surprise, but blended quickly into one of amusement. A small smirk grew on his face, one filled with malice. I tightened my grip on the book I was holding, fighting off the urge to slap that smile off of his face. 

"A boy?" he asked, closing the distance between us. His tone was completely mocking and full of fake interest in my life. I knew that he was looking for a reaction from me, so I tried my hardest to keep a poker face.

"You met a boy?" He asked, his tone getting more patronizing with each passing second. "He makes your stomach full of butterflies? Makes you happy? You care for each other?" With every word, he got closer and closer to me, invading my personal space. 

"Are you in love?"

"It's not..." I started, but the words died on my lips. 

I was prepared to defy him, to tell him it's not like that, but I froze as realization hit me. Because it was exactly like that. For me, anyway. Somewhere between the talks and the laughs, between the good days and the bad ones, I had fallen in love with Kai. And I hadn't even realized it until then. 

Crap.

I let my mind get consumed with the revelation for a second too long. Understanding crossed Joe's face, and he laughed. 

"Oh I see... He doesn't know it yet... does he?" He met my eyes, daring me to tell him otherwise. I kept my mouth shut, willing for my mother to intervene, but she just stood there watching us. Instead, I focused my attention on trying to keep my tears at bay.

"Well, I don't know the boy," he continued, leaning closer with every word. I was thankful that I hadn't told him his name, because if Kai's name would have left Joe's mouth, I think I would have lit him on fire. "But if I were him, I'd run as far away from you as possible. If he's smart, he'll leave you, and you'll be alone. You're meant to be alone."

Before I could throw all caution to the wind and screamed at him to get out of our lives, my mother stepped in front of me, creating distance between me and my so-called step father. She gave me a look that told me she was so very sorry for what he had said, but I couldn't even care, couldn't even focus on anything.

"That's enough, Joe." Her voice was stern, telling him there was no room for debate, but he didn't seem to care. He crossed his arms and leaned back on the doorframe with a smug smile on his face. He had already achieved his goal. Seeing the satisfied expression on his face sent another wave of anger through my veins, and I felt the tears I had been desperately trying to hold in start to fall. 

Feeling small and way too weak, I pushed past Joe and out of the room, wanting to get as far away from him as possible. As I descended the stairs, I heard him laugh at my exit, and it took everything in me not to turn around and whack him upside the head with the book.

It was only when I left the house that my thoughts started to clear a bit. I didn't know where I was going, but I knew I had to be as far away from that place as possible. The more I walked, the more I started to panic as my attention shifted back to Kai. He was a Gemini coven twin, which meant that he was going to merge with his twin when he hit twenty two, and he may not survive it. 

I struggled to remember when he said his birthday was. November... It was in November... which was only three months away. 

There was a possibility that he was going to die in three months... and he didn't want to tell me. 

My feet carried me through the trees, heading towards my usual spot without much thought. I sat down for a minute, leaning my head back against a tree. I tried hard to control my racing heart and steady my trembling hands, taking deep, even breaths to slow my heart rate. Once I had managed the calm the fear, I was left with another emotion. Anger. 

I got up and started walking again, continuing away from my house. I knew that I was about to make a very stupid decision, but my brain was too consumed with other things to even care. I stomped through the trees in the direction I saw Kai go last night, not letting my brain talk me out of my course of action. All I heard was the same words repeating on loop in my head. 

_I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him._

I found the Parker's driveway a lot sooner than I thought I would. I followed the paved road, which ended in an open gate and a large clearing. I stopped in front of the gate. There were no other houses or driveways in sight, and I knew that I had seen Kai run this way. There should have been a house at the end of this road. 

Remembering the book in my hand, the one about the Gemini coven, I flipped through the pages quickly, seeing if there was anything in it about their witches living in invisible houses. I had to stifle a laugh when I found what I was looking for. Apparently the Gemini coven used cloaking spells on their houses for protection. I scoffed to myself. I was learning a lot about this coven today. 

Tucking the book under my left arm, I closed my eyes and focused hard on the uncloaking spell contained in the book. It was much more complicated than anything I was used to, or anything I would have tried, but nothing I couldn't handle. After the second try, I succeeded, and I was finally met with the sight of the Parker house. The house was large and white, with a couple of stairs leading to the wraparound porch and the door.  Without giving myself any time to back out, I walked up the steps and knocked twice on the door.

It was only after I had knocked that I realized I had absolutely no plan. I wasn't even quite sure why I was there. I just knew I had to see Kai right away. 

As I debated turning around and abandoning my idea, the door opened slowly. A young girl answered the door, her head buried in a book. 

"You're finally home. I was getting tired of..." She cut her words off abruptly as she finally looked up, seeing that I wasn't whoever she thought I would be. 

She was wearing a powder blue blouse, with her dark hair falling onto her shoulders. She had her bangs parted down the middle, not quite covering her forehead. Her mouth was hanging open a bit in surprise, and her icy blue eyes were big and shocked. It was only when her book fell into her outstretched hands that I realized that she had been levitating it in front of her. 

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, but was probably only seconds. Realizing that she wasn't going to say anything, and she seemed to be content just gawking at me, I said the only thing that came to my head. 

"Hi."

She blinked a couple of times, snapping out of her daze a bit. "Who are you?" she asked, sounding almost scared of me. It was only then that I realized her fear was probably because I had discovered her secret house, and was knocking on the door like I was invited. 

I gave her a nervous smile, shifting the book under my arm out of view even more. She didn't need to see that I was holding a book full of her coven's secrets. 

"My name is Halyn..." I said, half hoping that Kai would have mentioned me at some point, and she would have some sort of name recognition, but that just seemed to confuse the girl more. 

"What... Why are you here?" She nervously moved some hair behind her ear as she spoke, and I could see that her hand was shaking a bit. Yeah... This was a  _really_  bad idea. 

Not knowing what else to say, I took a deep breath and spoke honestly. "I'm a friend of Kai's, and I was hoping that he was home. I really need to speak to him."

To my amazement, she seemed to get even more confused at that. "Who?"

It was my turn to be confused, and my mind went blank. There was no way I had gotten the house wrong, right?

Before I was able to fumble out an awkward apology, her expression morphed into one of disbelief and disdain. "Wait..." she said, closing her eyes hard and reopening them, cocking her head to the side a bit. "Are you talking about Malachai?"

As she asked that, two adorable little toddlers came bouncing into the doorway. They were both blonde, the girl having wild, curly hair, and the boy having a bowl cut. They both stared at me with curious and innocent eyes. The little girl hid behind the girl's legs, while the boy hugged onto them.

The little girl reached up, tugging on her sibling's hand to get her attention, but the girl kept staring at me. "Josie... Who is this?" she asked, sneaking another quick look at me from her hiding spot. 

Josie. This was Kai's sister... His twin Josette. In three months, it was going to be either him or her. One of them was going to die. Suddenly, I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I hoped my expression hadn't given away how sad and sorry I was for her. Her life would be forever changed in three months... if she was still alive.

"She's here for Malachai..." Josette said, still in a daze, not looking down at her sibling. It seemed out of all the reasons I could have had for being at their house, wanting to see Kai was the least likely in her mind. 

The little girl's eyes lit up at her sister's answer, and she bounced once in place, making her blonde curls dance around her head. She reached out, grabbing my right wrist, and pulled me into the house, pushing me past Josette, who looked horrified by her sister's actions. 

I tried to dig in my heels, feeling not very welcome in the Parker house, but the little girl turned around. "Come on," she said, giving a harsh tug on my arm. "He's up here." This time, the little boy joined in as well, pushing me forward as his sister pulled me up the stairs, both of them wearing mischievous smiles. I turned back to look at Josette, who still looked mortified, but she didn't stop her siblings. 

"Malachai!" The girl yelled as she pulled me. I had to smile. Kai's siblings weren't as bad as he made them out to be.

"Olivia... Lucas... Be careful," I heard Josette shout, her voice full of concern. It sounded like she was following us up the stairs, but I didn't turn back to check.

When we reached the top of the stairs, Olivia let go of my wrist, stopping in front of a closed door. "He's in his room," she stated before barging in. 

"Malachai!" she yelled as soon as the door was opened. She ran in, going straight up to the bed. 

I went to follow her, but Lucas stopped me. "Wait here," he told me, and something about his little expression made me listen. 

"There's a girl here to talk to you!" Olivia lowered her voice a little, as if she was sharing a secret, before continuing. "She's really pretty."

I couldn't help but chuckle at that, and I couldn't help the blush that crept its way onto my cheeks. As she talked, I peeked into the room. 

The walls were painted a dull blue color, with a large bureau against one of the bare walls. Despite that, the room was a mess, with clothes littered everywhere. The bed was in the middle of the room, and was facing the door. Olivia was talking to a lump under the covers, which I assumed was Kai. 

I heard a muffled voice say something that sounded like  _go away Olivia_. Getting annoyed by her brother, she sat on the bed and shook the covers. The lump groaned. 

"Olivia, don't!" Lucas said, sounding almost like he was scolding her. I was surprised that a toddler could sound so responsible. 

Josette rushed in, pushing past me to enter the room. When she entered, she gasped. Olivia looked back and stood up quickly, looking caught and guilty. What she was guilty of, I didn't know. 

Josette kneeled down in front of Olivia, putting her hands on Olivia's shoulders and staring at her intently. "Are you okay?" Olivia simply nodded. 

"Did you touch him?" Josette asked, her voice growing more stern. Olivia's eyes widened, knowing that she was caught, but she shook her head vigorously.

"Yes, she did!" Lucas shouted, pointing at Olivia. She glared at him, which was an adorable look on a toddler, despite the situation. "Snitch!" she called him before sticking her tongue out at her brother and pouting. She crossed her arms over her body, taking on the most menacing stances that a toddler could.

Josette didn't look amused though. "I'm not joking around. I can't have you two getting hurt while I'm babysitting you."

"They're fine, sissy!" Kai groaned from under the covers. "Now, please go away."

Josette looked between the kids and Kai before standing up, seeming satisfied enough. She grabbed both of their wrists, guiding them out of the room. "Come on," she told them, her voice much more tender than before. Her shoulders seemed to relax more the closer she got to the door... Or the farther she got away from Kai. She made nervous eye contact with me before bringing the toddlers out of the room, but she didn't tell me to leave.

"Sorry Malachai," Olivia whispered as she was dragged out of the room. Kai just grunted in response.

At that point, a lot of my anger at Kai had dissipated, especially after the weird scene I had just seen with his siblings. I still wasn't sure what Olivia had done wrong. 

I waited in the doorway for a couple of moments, hoping that Kai would come out from under the covers, but when that didn't happen, I cleared my throat to get his attention. He moaned loudly as he sat up slowly, obviously not happy that someone was still in the room.

"Ugh... didn't I ask for you to go..." His words died on his lips as he removed the sheets from his face and saw me standing in his doorway. I couldn't even manage a smile at him, as I was just as shocked as he was. He looked horrible, as if he hadn't slept in days. His eyes were red, like he had been crying, and his hair was a mess. I tore my gaze away from him and looked down at my shoes. I couldn't stand to look at him without thinking about his possible impending fate. 

His eyes were wide, and he kept blinking as if he expected me to disappear. After a couple of seconds, his expression went from shocked to exhausted, and he flopped back down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with a blank look on his face. 

"Now I'm imagining her," he muttered to the ceiling. "Great. That's... Just great."

He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, rubbing at them harshly. "Worst. Hangover. Ever."

At that, I couldn't help but chuckle as I approached him slowly. He crossed his arms over his eyes, blocking his eyesight, as if he could pretend I wasn't there by not seeing me. 

I reminded myself to keep my anger in check; more often than not, Kai required a gentle approach, and screaming at him would not help the situation, despite how much I wanted to. I sat down on the bed next to him, and he tensed a little bit, but didn't remove his arms from his eyes. A pang of irritation went through me at that, but I forced myself to remain calm as I carefully grabbed his wrists and moved his arms. 

His eyes shot open at my touch, and he sat up quickly. Strong waves of his emotions went through my body, but I couldn't quite place the feeling. He looked down at his wrists, which my hands were still holding. I loosened my grip, and he pulled away instantly. 

"No, no, no..." He tried to keep his volume at a whisper, but the mix of panic and anger in his voice seemed to be making that hard. That was the feeling I was picking up from him. Panic. 

"You're not supposed to be here... No, no..." He sounded like he was struggling to keep himself from getting hysterical, and I mentally kicked myself. This... was a _terrible_  idea.

He stopped his panic for a second as a thought seemed to cross his mind. He looked back to me with a perplexed expression. "Why the hell are you here, Halyn?"

"I needed to talk to you," I said weakly. It was the truth, but now, seeing how upset he was, my reasoning felt foolish. 

He narrowed his eyes at me, as if he wasn't quite sure that I was telling the truth. He sighed. "And what was so important?" he asked, looking down at his hands. I had a feeling he knew where I was going with this, and he was hoping to avoid it. 

"I need to talk to you about what happened last night." I was trying to give him an out, to give him the chance to come clean and tell me. His eyes widened at that, and a large wave of his fear washed over me, buzzing through my veins. 

"Can you be more specific?"

I fought the urge to slap him upside the head, and took a deep breath before I spoke through gritted teeth. "What you told me last night." His games were getting on my nerves in a way that they usually didn't, but I played along, still hoping that if I cornered him about it, he would just tell me. 

To my surprise, his entire demeanor relaxed considerably, and I heard him let out a shaky breath. 

"Oh, thank God." he muttered. "I was really out of it last night... and I thought I had ki..." He suddenly looked up, as if realizing that he was talking out loud, and he cut off his words quickly. I was slightly curious as to what he thought he had done, but by that point, I had ran out of patience. 

I let out a loud sigh as I picked up the book. I had laid it face down on my lap so that it wouldn't freak him out, but I was beyond caring at this point, letting my emotions get the better of me. I opened it to the page my mother had shown me and tossed it onto the bed in front of him. 

"The Merge, Kai! I'm talking about the stupid Merge," I yelled at him, unable to prevent my irritation from leaking into my voice. 

He looked down at the book warily. "Oh. That." His eyes skimmed over the page, and he sighed before standing up and pacing around his room. "Yup, that's about all of it."

I couldn't believe how calm and...  _dismissive_  he was being about the whole thing... As if we weren't talking about his  _life_. 

"That's it?" I asked. "That's all you have to say about it?"

To my amazement, he shrugged. "What do you want me to say? I didn't even mean to tell you that."

"That's sort of the point!" I yelled, throwing my arms up into the air. His eyes widened at my tone, so I forced myself to calm down a bit before continuing. 

"I'm not sure if you understand the gravity of this situation. Of  _your_  situation," I started slowly, trying desperately to keep my emotions in check. It wasn't working. "This... Merge... is going to decide whether you live or die... and you didn't think I should know about that?"

"Why would I tell you about that?"

"Because maybe I care about if you live or die!" The words came out harsh and fast, before I even had the chance to think. His eyes got wide, and it was almost as if... as if he was surprised. "Because I do, Kai. I care."

My heart broke as his eyes filled with a childlike wonder at my words, like he had never heard someone tell him that they cared about him. He tore his eyes away from mine, looking down at the floor. 

"I care about you, too," he muttered. I felt my breath got caught in my throat at those words, especially as he looked up at me again with an expression on his face that was as gentle as his voice. I felt my eyes start to fill with tears. All of the emotions were becoming too much for me to handle. I gave him a small smile, and his eyes lit up at the sight. 

God, he was beautiful... How had I managed to ignore that before?

He sat back down next to me, moving the book to the side. "I knew it would freak you out... I didn't want to worry you."

I let out a laugh, but it was devoid of humor. "Too late for that."

"I've been preparing for this my entire life," he continued in a voice that sounded like it was supposed to be confident. "And if I lose... I won't die. My soul will live on in Josette."

I couldn't stop myself from cutting him off. "That doesn't make me feel better at all, you know that, right?"

His voice adopted a professional tone, as if he was reciting something he had been told many times. "Why not? She'll adopt some of my traits, and we'd become one person."

I couldn't even fathom how he could think that was normal in any capacity, or how that would reassure me of anything. 

"Because I don't..." I cut myself off before I say something stupid. I didn't know how to explain to him my fear without trying to put into words feelings that I didn't even understand yet.

Instead, I clasped my hands in my lap and looked down at them. "That's not the same and you know it."

He nodded, seeming to understand, despite the vagueness of my words.

Before I had the chance to say anything else, a voice came from the door. 

"Who's this?"

I jumped at the sound, turning around to see who was talking. There was a boy at the door who looked to be only a little bit younger than Kai. He was staring at me with an unreadable look on his face, and I smiled a bit out of habit. 

Kai's entire body tensed at the sight of his brother, and I could hear the irritation in his voice as he spoke. "Get out, Joey."

Joey instead did the exact opposite, taking a few steps into the room. "You didn't answer my question," he told Kai without taking his eyes off of me. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable, and I shifted in my seat while he spoke again. "What are you doing here?" he asked me, but before I had time to answer, he asked another question. "Are you willingly spending time with this freak?"

I felt my jaw drop at his comment. I started to say something, but before I could, Kai placed a hand on my knee subtly. He didn't even need to look at me for me to know why he did that; he was begging me to keep my mouth shut. With his touch, a wave of embarrassment went through me, along with an almost violent rage. The scary part was that it was so strong, I couldn't tell whose emotion it was. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep my emotions in check. 

"Leave her alone," Kai said. I could hear his voice straining, like the effort that it was taking to be civil was too much for him. He closed his eyes, and his next words were softer, almost pleading. "Please, just... Go away."

His brother wasn't even looking at him as he spoke, though. Joey's eyes were locked on my knee, which Kai was still touching. His nostrils flared, and he took another few steps forward. I thought that he was going to push Kai, but he seemed to think better of it at the last second. Kai didn't even flinch, as he if he knew that his brother would back down. "Me? How about you get away from her, you defect!"

I couldn't control myself as I stood up, pushing Kai's brother back a couple of inches. He looked shocked that I had put my hands on him, and honestly, I was too. I had acted on instinct, without thinking, and there was no turning back now. I turned quickly to give Kai an apologetic look over my shoulder, and I barely registered the absolutely stunned look on his face. I turned back around and squared my shoulders at Joey. "Don't talk to him like that."

He looked appalled that I would defend Kai, and that just strengthened my resolve. How dare he call him that? Did he think he was just going to get away with that? 

"Hey, you don't understand..." he started, but I cut him off before he could get another word in.

"You're wrong," I stated through clenched teeth, balling my fists at my sides in a very feeble attempt to prevent myself from putting my hands on him again. 

"Look," Joey said slowly, as if he was trying to make sure I understood his every word. He wrapped his hand around my bicep, pulling me towards the door as he spoke. "I'm just trying to protect you from..."

I yanked my arm away from him, putting as much distance between us as possible. "From Kai. Yeah, I know. But I don't need protection... and especially not your protection."

To Joey's horror, I went back to the bed, where Kai was still sitting, and sat down again. Kai looked over at me, his eyes filled with both gratitude and shock, and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that that was the first time anyone had ever stood up for him. 

Joey backed up slowly, his eyes glued to us. "Okay. Fine..." he said, his voice distant and full of disbelief. He turned his attention to Kai, directing his next words at him. "But don't kid yourself, Malachai. You will hurt her."

I felt Kai flinch next to me, like those words physically hurt him. As if he didn't think that I heard him, Joey turned to me and repeated himself. "He will hurt you. Don't say I didn't warn either of you." I willed myself not to react to his comment, staring daggers through him until he had left the room.

"Sorry about that," Kai whispered next to me, snapping my attention back to him. He was looking down at his hands as he spoke, and he flickered his eyes to mine quickly before thinking better of it and looking down again. "And I'm sorry about before, too," he continued. "Him and Josette... They're just trying to keep everyone away from... away from the monster."

I was shaking my head before he even finished talking. "Don't even say that. They have no right to treat you like that."

Suddenly, the encounter between Olivia and Josette made sense. Josette was mad that Olivia touched Kai because she thought he would hurt her. She probably thought Kai would hurt me too, just like Joey did... Just like my mother did. None of them believed that he could control his own powers... Was I the only person who believed in him?

I was taken out of my thoughts when Kai spoke again. "Don't ask me to not do it."

I blinked at him. "What are you talking about?"

"The Merge," he responded. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he continued. "Don't ask me to not do the Merge."

My breath got caught in my throat at that. I prayed that I had heard him wrong, but I knew that I hadn't. "Kai..." I whispered, hating the way my voice shook, but he cut me off before I was able to even try to continue. 

"Please, just... I need to say this first. Please." He met my eyes, and all I could manage was a small nod in response. 

"This... This isn't going to change." He sighed and looked back down at his hands. "They're never going to see me as anything more than an addict... a magic sucker... a monster. I will always be the unwanted, black sheep of the Gemini coven. There's no way that I can change that, but with this Merge... I have a chance. I have a chance to become something different. And becoming the leader... They'll have no choice but to respect me... to accept me. This may be my one shot to get out of this damned life I'm stuck in, because if not... I'll always be the irredeemable piece of trash they think I am... And I want to be more than that... I need to be more than that."

With every word, I felt my heart breaking more and more in my chest. I couldn't stop the tears from running silently down my cheeks, and all I wanted to do was make him realize that he already was so much more than all of that. He looked up at me with eyes full of tears, but they had something else in them as well. They had a hardness to them, like they were full of determination, and something else that I couldn't place. 

He reached out slowly, taking both of my hands in his, and I gasped at the contact. With his touch, I felt his emotional turmoil hit me at full force. I felt his fear, his anger, his sadness, but I also felt the flicker of hope that the prospect of the Merge brought him.

He took one more deep breath. "So please..." he started with a shaky voice. He took a second to collect himself before he finished. "If you look at me like that, with those tears in your eyes, and ask me not to do the Merge... I won't. But please... This is my only chance."

I felt a fresh wave of tears start to fall from my eyes as he spoke, because I could feel how genuinely he believed his words. He really thought that the Merge was his only option at carving out a new path for himself. The Merge brought him hope, and I knew I couldn't be the one to take that away from him. 

"But you could die," was all I managed to get out, whispering the words between my tears. 

It shocked me when he shrugged, a sad smile on his face. "If I don't do this, I won't be living anyway."

I felt my last bit of hope dissolve. I knew there was nothing I could do to change his mind, and that thought terrified me. How was I supposed to explain to him that the possibility of losing him made me feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown?

I couldn't explain that to him, because doing that would be prioritizing my feelings over his, and he deserved for someone in his life to put him first. So even though I wanted to scream, even though I wanted to plead with him not to do it, even though it broke my heart, I didn't fight him. Instead, I tried my hardest to put a smile on my face, and I prayed that it didn't look as fake as it felt. 

"Okay," was all I could say. There was nothing else to say. Kai gave me a small smile, one full of gratitude, and I wished that I could enjoy it, but it just made me sadder. 

I squeezed his hands, which were still holding mine. "But you have to promise me something, Kai... You have to win." When he didn't answer me right away, I squeezed his hands again harder, not even really caring that it was probably too hard. "Promise me that you will win." I hated the way that my voice shook, and I hated how urgent I sounded, but I couldn't help it. I was too busy trying not to fall apart.

With my words, he gave me his lopsided smile, and for the first time that day, I thought that everything would be okay. 

"Don't worry," he assured me. "I always win."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	6. Gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is here! Hopefully, I will have much more time to write, since I graduate today! *cheering the distance*
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I wanted to thank everyone who's enjoyed and left comments and kudos. I love reading comments and answering back!

 

 

I woke up shivering. 

The crisp November air was coming through the crack in my bedroom window. I had been woken by the chill in the air every day that week, but still, I couldn't find it in my heart to fix it. It felt fitting, since a part of me had broken the day after the window did. 

I sat up slowly as I tried to shake off the drowsiness. I looked to my right at the calendar hanging on the wall, and I was hit with a wave of dread so intense that it almost left me breathless. The calendar was riddled with red X's, crossing out each day leading up to a circled day in the middle row. Today was that day. 

Today was Kai's birthday. 

Three months ago, that realization would have sent excitement coursing through my veins instead of the anxiety that I was feeling. Three months ago, I was ignorant. Ignorant to my feelings, to Kai's impending doom, but since then, both had become a weight ever-present on my shoulders. 

I had tried to avoid getting any closer to Kai than I already was. There was a good chance that Kai was going to die, and I knew that continuing to get closer to him would just make his death hurt so much more, but damn it, it was impossible. I was drawn to him like a magnet, and I couldn't change that fact even if I tried... which I had. 

But I couldn't stop my skin from igniting whenever he actually touched me. I couldn't stop my heart from racing whenever he smiled his lopsided smile at me. I couldn't stop myself from laughing whenever he gave me one of his sarcastic one-liners. I couldn't stop my heart from breaking whenever I saw that he was fighting back tears, and I definitely couldn't stop myself from getting lost in his eyes. 

It was no use. No matter how much my brain screamed that I should, I couldn't stop my heart from falling more in love with Kai.

I could, however, use all of my willpower to try to block out those feelings, and that was exactly what I had been trying to do for the past three months. But there was a difference between trying and  _succeeding_ , and at that point, I hadn't figured out how to successfully ignore my emotions. 

My heart was pounding way too fast for me to fall back asleep, so I instead settled for staring blankly at the ceiling. I hated this feeling; this feeling of helplessness. The fact that I could do nothing to prevent the inevitable was slowly driving me crazy. I wished that there would have been a way to persuade Kai out of this possible suicide mission, but I had already tried that months ago with no success. I knew nothing had changed for him.

I ran a hand through my hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. Rolling over to lay onto my side, I felt my foot hit something hard at the end of my bed, accidentally sending it to the floor with a loud thump. I let out a deep breath before sitting up slowly to retrieve the item. 

I crawled to the foot of the bed, looking down to see two books sprawled on the floor, papers falling out of both of them. Memories of the night before came flooding back to me as I leaned down to retrieve them. I had spent the night reading through the books, desperately trying to find out all I could about the Merge. 

I absentmindedly started flipping through the books, stopping on the pages that I had dog-eared during previous reads. My mother had let me keep the Gemini Coven book, and when I had gotten home that day, she had left me another book; one about siphons. I knew that she didn't approve of my friendship with Kai, and I wasn't sure if the book was meant to be a gift or a warning, but I gladly accepted it anyway. 

I had spent the past three months reading these books over and over, trying to get as much information as I could. I had read each book so much that I could recite passages from them. I knew that at this point, I wasn't going to find any new information that would help to save Kai, but it was the only thing that calmed my pounding heart. 

I spent the majority of the morning going over my notes and trying to come up with a solution or a loophole, but all I did was give myself a headache. I had managed to think of some theories, but none of them were relevant in helping Kai at the moment.

I sighed and pushed the books as far away from me as possible, which resulted in them falling off the edge of the bed again. I ran a hand through my hair and squeezed at the base of the strands. It was a habit that I did when I was frustrated, and it seemed this was making me more upset than I was willing to admit. 

Not having the energy to reach down and grab the books again, I took it as a sign to take a break. I looked over at the digital clock in my nightstand, which indicated that it was already 1pm. With nothing else to do besides drive myself crazy, I decided to go out into the woods and wait for Kai. He probably wasn't going to have much time for me today, since I was sure he was celebrating his birthday, but I wanted to make sure I was there so I could say happy birthday. 

Sneaking out of the house had become a talent, to the point where I probably didn't even need a cloaking spell, but I used one just in case. Before leaving the house, I snuck into the kitchen to get a couple of things; a cupcake I had bought and a couple of candles.

I was in no hurry to get to my destination, and I used the time I spent walking to think. I was so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't even see Kai already there. I stifled a gasp when I noticed him. I felt like I was always shocked with the sight of him. Despite everything, I always expected him to be at home, spending time with his family. I never quite realized how much he despised them until moments like this. Maybe that was my mistake. 

He had his back to me, and even though I was a couple of feet away, I could hear him taking deep, even breaths. He turned around when I stopped walking, as if sensing my presence. 

"Surprised to see me?" He asked, the hint of a smile on his lips. His voice sounded a bit off, but I couldn't place why. 

I didn't feel like lying, so I just nodded. "Yeah, a little bit." I moved to sit down in front of him, crossing my legs under me. "How are you? I assumed you'd be celebrating your birthday with your family."

I knew I had said the wrong thing when he winced a little bit. "My parents are too busy celebrating Josie's birthday," he told me, looking down at his palms. "And as for me, I'm better now." His eyes flickered up to mine for a quick second with those words, before they refocused on his hands. He was clasping them together so hard that his veins were protruding. I noted that detail, but decided not to say anything about it yet.

"Happy birthday." I told him, my voice sounding weaker than I intended it to be. I was still beyond nervous about what this day would mean for him, but he deserved for me to put that to the side for a day. 

"Thanks," he responded, the smile on his face growing a bit. I must have looked worried, because he chuckled at me. "The Merge doesn't happen today. Don't worry about it. And even if it did, I'd win."

I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding with his words. I was relieved, but that still didn't completely ease my fear. "So when is it?" I asked, unable to hold the question back. 

He sighed at my question, leaning back so his back was flush against a tree stump. "Not sure. My parents told me they want to wait until the holidays are over, which is... Stupid, but whatever. So probably in January. There are a few good celestial events in January we can use."

January. I could handle that.

I nodded in response, and moved closer to him. I saw him tense as I got closer, but he made no attempt to move away. I shot him a sideways look, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. 

"You're sure you'll win?" I pressed. Something about the way that he was acting was bugging me, but I couldn't tell what. I didn't know if he was doing it on purpose, or if he knew about the emotional link I felt between us, but I couldn't get a read on his emotions the way that I usually could. 

"Yeah..." he said slowly. It sounded like he was attempting to be convincing, but was failing miserably, and it bothered me that he wouldn't look at me. He kept staring at his hands, changing the force of his grip as he continued. "I mean, the whole thing is partly luck, but I'm pretty lucky."

I furrowed my brows at his words. i was glad that he wasn't looking up at me to see my reaction. I had been studying the Merge intensely for the past three months, and the victor was determined by which twin was stronger. The whole point of the ceremony was to test the twin's strength against each other, so I couldn't figure out why he was telling me that it was up to chance. If I knew that that wasn't the case after only three months of study, surely he knew that wasn't true. 

I wanted to press him further on the issue, but I decided against it for the time being. The more I tried to press the issue, the more likely he was to close himself off to me. 

Instead, I shifted so that I was leaning against the same tree stump, only a couple of inches away from him. Again I saw him tense at my movement, but he didn't try to move. 

"Okay," I started, trying to figure out what was bugging me about this whole situation as I talked. "Well, it's your birthday. So let's celebrate."

I had been doing my best to hide the cupcake I had brought behind my back the entire time I was talking to him. It wasn't too hard, especially since he wasn't really looking at me, anyway.  I shifted, bringing the cupcake out from behind my back and showing it to Kai. 

"Tada!" I exclaimed quietly. At that, he looked up and saw the pastry I was presenting to him. I was relieved to see a huge smile cross his face when he saw it. 

"Thanks," he replied in a tone that was much more low-key than I imagined, and in a tone that didn't match the joy on his face. He went to grab it, but I pulled it back before he could take it. 

"Wait, it's not ready yet." I reached into my pocket and grabbed the candles, shoving them into the little cake. I hovered my hand over the candles slowly, and then snapped my fingers a couple of times, using my magic to light each one. I looked up at Kai, and the smile fell off of my face the instant my eyes landed on his face.

It was when I saw him wince slightly that I realized what was wrong. I finally put together what was bothering me about the way that he was acting. The strain in his voice, the tension in his muscles when I got close to him, the fact that I couldn't feel his emotions he way that I usually could; it all made sense to me. 

"Kai..." I started, hearing the way that worry seeped into my voice without my intention. 

"Yeah?" he asked weakly. I could feel the grip that he had on himself loosen as he looked up to meet my eyes, and I could immediately feel that he knew I had figured it out. 

"You haven't been using your powers." I meant it like a question, but it came out as a statement, and even though I knew I was correct, disbelief tinted my voice. He tore his gaze away from mine and stayed quiet, and that was all the confirmation that I needed.

I felt the familiar panic start to rise up in my chest. I didn't want to feel like this today. I really wanted to be able to just enjoy one of the few days that I had left with him, but I couldn't control what I was feeling, despite how hard I was trying. I tried to quietly take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. I didn't want Kai to realize how much it worried me. 

I was trying so,  _so_  hard to be supportive, but I felt like it was tearing me apart. 

"So let me get this straight," I started. "The Merge is basically a contest of which twin is stronger, and you... you haven't been practicing. You haven't been preparing for it."

He sighed, and I could feel a wave of his frustration wash over me. Between that and my own panic, I was starting to get dizzy from emotions, but I tried my hardest to keep myself together. 

"They don't want me practicing. They won't let me," he stated. The matter-of-fact tone he used broke my heart, but I wasn't concerned with that. I was more concerned with the tightness in his voice, with the way that his words came out in short, frantic gasps.  "I'm stronger than her. I always have been. That's why they don't want me practicing. They want her to catch up. They want her to win."

He took a shuddering breath, using it to try to collect himself before he looked up at me. The sadness in his eyes was almost too much. "They want her to win," he repeated. "They want to be rid of me."

"There has to be something you can do..." I started to say, but my words trailed off as I got an idea.

It was risky as hell, but I couldn't sit there and do nothing when it was Kai's life on the line. I knew that I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't try. 

I thought back to the book that my mother have given me on siphons, and the way that it got into the details of how their magic worked. It was designed to be written almost as a warning to other witches, to let them know that these people were dangerous and how to avoid them and protect yourself. However, when reading it, I may have discovered a loophole to their powers. It wasn't my main focus at the time, so I had written it down on a post-it note and moved on, only toying with the idea when I had exhausted my brain for the day. It wasn't something that I had considered to be useful until now.

"Take this," I told Kai, holding the cupcake out to him. If I was going to try this, I would need my hands free. He would need his hands free too, but I thought he should enjoy his gift first. I knew that it was probably the only thing he would receive today.

Instead of taking the treat, however, he just stared at it. He clenched his fists in his hands as he looked at it, and I could feel a war waging inside of him. He was breathing so deeply that he could have blown out the flames without trying. On a whim, I quickly blew out the candles, tossing them into the dirt. I extended the cake to him again, and this time he took it carefully. 

_He's trying so hard not to use his powers._   _He's trying so hard that even the residual magic on the candles is too much for him._

If I had doubts about trying my idea out, they were out the window with that realization. 

I waited patiently as he enjoyed his food, eating it in a couple bites. I had to chuckle to myself. He was so messy when he ate. Thoughts came back to me of the night that he had set up a picnic, and we spent the night under the stars. That was before the Merge was ever-present in my mind. It felt like a lifetime ago. I would have given anything to get back to that, but in that moment, I would have done anything to save him.

Before he could stop me, I rolled up the sleeve of my winter coat, letting the cold air hit my bare wrist. I could feel the exact moment when he figured out what I was doing. It felt like a sharp pang that went through my entire body.

"No, no, no..." he started before I even got to voice my idea to him. "Halyn, I'm not doing that."

"That's cute." My gaze flickered up to his quickly as I continued exposing the other wrist. "You say that like I'm asking you."

I could feel the desperation that was so evident in his eyes, and I knew that he really wanted to deny the offer that I was about to make him. 

I held both of my arms out to him. "Take my magic, Kai."

He was shaking his head at me before I even finished my sentence. "Halyn," he started. I could hear in his voice that he was already starting to consider my offer, which simultaneously made me happy and nervous. "I don't want to hurt you."

"It's okay," I started to say, but he cut me off again.

"I'm gonna hurt you, and I don't want to do that. Just please stop."

I ignored him. I needed to get him to listen to me. "Kai, I think I figured out how you can do it without hurting me. Just grab my wrists."

"No, Halyn." he said. "You don't understand." His tone was begging me to just let it go, but I couldn't.

"I understand what I'm asking you to do," I told him, starting to raise my voice. "I'm just asking you to trust me."

"It's not that I don't trust you. That's not the issue." He was starting to get frustrated now. I could feel it, and it was only fueling my determination.

"If that's not the issue, then just do it."

"Are you crazy? Do you not remember the last time I took your magic?"

"I remember very well, but it's not gonna be like that this time."

"And how the hell do you know that?" He was shouting at this point, but I wasn't about to back down.

"I just do, okay? I wouldn't be asking you to do this if I wasn't pretty sure that I was right, so just please for the love of God, just grab my wrists and—"

I gasped lightly as he finally did what I asked. My wrists were immediately wrapped in warmth, and it was a strong contrast to my cold skin. I couldn't help but take notice of how hard his hands were shaking.

"There," he stated weakly, all the anger gone from his voice. "Happy now?"

i stayed silent and closed my eyes briefly, taking in the feeling. My body was vibrating all over; the magic in me buzzing from his touch. This time, I could feel something that I hadn't felt the other times he had touched me. It was a gentle tugging in my veins, making it feel like they were pulsing. I opened my eyes and looked back at Kai, who was trying his hardest to take steady breaths. I saw that the pulling was happening in accordance with his breathing.

His eyes met mine. There were tears welling in them. "I don't want to hurt you," he said again, his voice pleading with me to change my mind about this.

"You won't," I reassured him, trying to keep my voice as soothing as possible.

"Do you trust me?" I asked, and he nodded once at my question. "Okay. Just hold them. Don't do anything yet." I could tell that he was struggling to not siphon me, and that waiting was probably the last thing he wanted to do, but he nodded again.

I closed my eyes and focused my attention on my magic, remembering what the book had said about siphons. It had said that siphons forcefully suck magic out of others, which results in immense pain, and sometimes can lead to injury. So instead of him taking my magic by force, I was going to attempt to give it to him. 

His touch made me hyper-aware of the magic inside of my body, so I focused on it, attempting to bring it to the surface of my skin. I breathed in deeply a couple of times, seeing the energy in my body glowing like electricity in my veins, burning brighter and brighter with each breath. 

I wasn't quite sure if it was working or not until I heard Kai gasp and felt him tighten his grip on my wrists. 

"Not yet," I muttered, hoping that he heard me. He shuddered out a breath in response.

I continued, running the energy through my body, feeling it get stronger with every breath. My entire body felt like it was glowing, full of light and energy and magic, and it was an indescribable feeling. 

I could feel the magic in every corner of my body, and I focused on directing it, bringing all of the magic through my body until it was pooling in my wrists. I tried to do this as slowly as possibly, careful not to overwhelm Kai with the sensation. I was about halfway through before the tugging in my veins got stronger. 

"Not yet," I repeated through gritted teeth, trying desperately to not let myself get too distracted. He tightened his grip on my wrists again in response.

"Just... Just a little bit longer." I told him, keeping my voice lighter and hoping to soothe him a bit.

I could feel all the magic in me, making my entire arms buzz with the feeling of power and energy. It was a feeling unlike anything I had ever felt, and it mixed with Kai's emotions were starting to make my head spin. 

"Halyn..." Kai warned, and I could feel that his restraint was on its last legs. His voice was strained, and I knew that if I made him hold out any longer, it was not going to end well. 

"Now." I told him, releasing my grip on my magic just as he started to take it. 

I didn't know what I was expecting the exchange to feel like, but the feeling was strong and powerful. I could almost see the energy flowing out of my wrists and through his hands. I had never felt so connected to a person, to the point where I almost didn't know where he ended and I began. And it definitely didn't hurt like it had before, which I was very thankful for.

It was only when I felt my limbs start to weaken did I make a move to remove my wrists from his grip. I tried to tug my arms free, but it didn't seem like he noticed. 

"Kai," I whispered. His eyes shot open and he quickly let go of my arms, causing them to drop to the ground between us limply. His eyes were frantic, quickly flickering between my face, my hands and his own hands. 

"What is it?" I asked nervously. I was trying to make him feel better, but the way he was looking around was worrying me. "Do you feel a little better?"

With that, his eyes snapped up to mine. "Are you okay?" he asked quickly, and the amount of worry in his voice caught me by surprise.  I flashed him a small smile before speaking.

"I'm fine. Don't worry, it worked. Just like I thought it would." And it was true. I was hoping that it would work, but I really had no evidence that it would. But it did, and it worked better than I thought. My body felt like it was made of light, buzzing and glowing and full of adrenaline as the sensations of Kai's touch started to fade.

It didn't seem like my words did anything to soothe his worry. "You didn't have to do that."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at his statement. "It was my idea, remember? And it's fine. I wanted to."

He shot me a perplexed look, as if he was genuinely surprised that I would want to do something for him. He confirmed my theory when he spoke. "Why?"

The question took me off guard, and so when I didn't answer him, he decided to keep talking. "I mean, that could have really hurt you. And, like, if it started to hurt you, I hope that I would have been able to stop, but I'm not sure. When I start, I really can't stop. Which is partially why everyone hates me for it, but I mean, everyone else gets to use their magic whenever they want. Why can't I just take what I want?" He seemed to realize that he had gotten way off topic, and he abruptly stopped his tangent there. 

"So yeah... Why?"

I wasn't quite sure what to say to him, so I thought it would be best to answer honestly. "Well..." I started, hoping that I would be able to figure out what to say once I had started talking. It didn't work. "I don't know. Part of me was really curious if I had figured something out. I wanted to test my theory."

I could tell from the way that he was looking at me that he knew that wasn't the whole story.  He smirked slightly before he spoke. "And the other part of you?"

I sighed, looking down at my hands. The other half of me couldn't stand to see him in pain, and would have done anything to make him smile again. The other part of me was fighting a losing battle against my emotions, but I couldn't tell him that.

So instead, I gave the only answer I could think of. "Why not?" I cringed inwardly at my own answer. Kai just raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing me. 

"Well, I mean," I continued, trying to figure out something better to say. "You feel better now, don't you?"

I couldn't read the expression on his face, but he nodded once. 

"Exactly. I wasn't going to sit there and let you suffer on your birthday when there was something I could do to help. That's why."

The silence that followed was deafening. Kai looked down and started flexing his hand, a habit of his that I had noticed, while he studied it. I folded mine in my lap, sitting there awkwardly, wishing that the ground would open up and swallow me whole. 

After a minute, he muttered something unintelligible, not even looking up as he did so.

"What?" I asked him, trying to match the quietness in his voice. 

"It's that simple to you?"

He looked at me with those words, and my gaze fixed on his. His eyes were clouded, as if he was fighting a war on the inside. I broke the contact before it got too intense. Something had shifted in him during the span of silence. The air around us felt like it was charged with something that I didn't want to define. His emotions were completely closed off to me as well, but I didn't know if I wanted to know how he was feeling. 

I couldn't find my voice, so I nodded.

"You don't think of me as a charity case... or as a problem that needs to be fixed... yet you try to fix me anyway out of the goodness of your heart." His voice was hushed, his words coming out in short bursts. "To hell with the costs, with the risks. You don't take a second to worry about them. You just do."

His voice held so many different emotions in it, but I couldn't single them out. The were running together, a mix of pain and gratefulness and other things I couldn't describe. They were all evident in his eyes, but there was only one that I could feel in my veins. Fear. Of what, I wasn't sure, but I knew in my gut that the next words he spoke would be important. 

"You know, I could stand to be more like you. To hell with the risks. Just give and take what I want." He was quiet for a moment, thinking his words over one more time before he voiced them. "I have a question."

"Okay," was all I said, not sure what else to say, my mind still spinning from his words and from the previous magic exchange. My heart felt like it was beating twice its normal speed, but I tried my best to ignore it. 

"A couple of months ago, when you came to my house, you told me you cared about me." He spoke slowly, measuring every word before he said them. Of course, I remembered the instance he was talking about. It was right after I found out about the Merge. He was talking nonsense about his possible death, and I was so emotional that I blurted it out before I could stop myself. In the months since, I had tried to have a better grip on my emotions. 

It wasn't working. 

"You meant that, right?"

"Of course. Yeah," I answered, not even hesitating. I could feel that my brows were furrowed as I looked at him. Though I answered his question, I couldn't figure out where he was going with his line of questioning. 

His eyes hardened just a bit, letting me know his next words were serious.

"So... This—" He used two fingers to gesture between us haphazardly, and he leaned a bit closer as he did so. The shift was very subtle; I may not have even noticed it, but I felt my energy shift as he got closer, as if it was calling out to his. I tried my best to ignore it, as well as the pounding of my heart. 

"Is this... thing between us, whatever it may be... Is it that simple to you, too?"

My mind went completely blank. That was the last question I was expecting to come out of his mouth. 

I had spent the last three months trying to distance myself from my emotions, trying to ignore what I was feeling. And now, when his days were numbered, he was asking me to voice them.

I didn't know what to say, but one thing was for sure. I couldn't lie to him.

"No," was all I managed to get out. The word came out so quiet that I wasn't even sure he heard me until he nodded. 

He moved away from me a little bit, lost deep in thought. When he looked back at me, his expression had changed to one full of confidence. I barely had time to register the shift before he placed a hand on my knee. I jumped a little bit, but he didn't seem to notice. I could feel the heat of his hand through my jeans. 

"Well," he stated simply. "That settles that, then."

I didn't even have a second to process his words before his lips were on mine. 

In an instant, he closed the distance between us, tangling his other hand in my hair as our lips crashed together. I was frozen in place. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.  All of my emotions were running together like watercolors, mixing with his. His feelings washed over me in waves; the mix of pain and gratitude and things left unsaid leaving me dizzy and breathless.

It felt like we were made of stardust, and only when we touched in this way did we ever shine as bright as we were meant to. It was a feeling of belonging, one that I had never experienced before. I couldn't help but to reciprocate, trying to let him know everything I had been too scared to say. He pulled me impossibly closer, and I found myself wondering why I hadn't done this sooner.

It was then that clarity hit me, breaking through the cloud of emotions. Here I was, going against everything I had told myself for months. There was a reason I had tried to keep my distance. 

There was nothing romantic about pain. Letting someone in before you were about to lose them... It was setting yourself up for the worst kind of heartbreak imaginable; the pain of loving, and losing that love. It was better to want something that you couldn't have than try to learn how to live without it. 

So despite everything, despite wanting the moment to last forever, I pulled away. 

One look at my face and he could tell that something was wrong. "What happened?" He asked, still trying to catch his breath.

I swallowed, trying to get rid of the knot that was attempting to form in my throat. I shook my head. "I can't do this, Kai. I can't."

"What—"

"I care about you. Really, I do. You have to believe that. But..." I stopped for a minute, trying to get the quiver in my voice under control. I took a deep breath before continuing. "But I can't do... this... Not yet. Not until I know you're safe... and alive... and that that's not going to change."

His gaze lingered on my face, as if he couldn't tell if I was being serious or not. Eventually, he moved away.

"Kai..." I started, but he cut me off. 

"No," he interrupted me, holding his hands up in surrender. "No, I get it. I... get it"

Something was off in his tone, but I couldn't bring myself to ask about it. "Not yet," I whispered, more to myself than anyone.

"Not yet," he repeated.

His eyes lowered, and I saw them catch on my lips before he looked away. The spark that was in the air was long gone, replaced by an uncomfortable silence. 

I was hoping he would break it, but when he didn't, I decided to. "I should go," I said quietly, pointing over my shoulder. 

"Oh," he responded, sounding a bit caught off guard. "Yeah, uh, okay."

"My mother's going to be looking for me," I continued, feeling the need to explain myself as I started to stand.

"Yeah. Totally." He stood as well, and for a minute, we stood facing each other. Neither of us knew quite what to say, so we didn't say anything at all. I couldn't stop myself from fidgeting. 

"Thank you," he said suddenly, as if he just remembered. "For the cupcake."

"You're welcome." I replied, smiling a bit at him.

"And for the magic." He wiggled his fingers at me as he said the last word.

"Don't worry about it."

I started to walk away, but his voice stopped me. 

"And for the..." He started, trailing off at the end. I turned back around to face him and waited. I was pretty sure I knew the end to his sentence, but I didn't want to push him. 

"For the... Uh..." He repeated, and I could tell that he was trying to figure out if he wanted to finish his sentence or not. 

Instead of saying it, however, he puckered his lips and gave me two air kisses. Despite myself, I couldn't help but laugh. I was relieved when I heard his laugh join mine as well. 

"I enjoyed it," he said when he finally caught his breath. 

I gave him a small smile. "Me too."

"We should do it again sometime," he said meekly. I knew him well enough to know that that was his way of trying to get me to change my mind. He didn't want to push me, but he gave me an out if I chose to take it. 

"Happy birthday, Kai." I said instead, and this time, I forced myself to turn around and walk away.

Despite that, I didn't miss the way he sighed, or the quiet 'happy birthday to me' he let out when he thought I wouldn't hear him.


	7. Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is here! Admittedly, I'm starting to catch up to myself in terms of how far ahead I've written. I'm gonna try to stick to my posting schedule, but if the chapters start to get updated slower, that's why. I apologize if that happens. Anyway, about this chapter. This one may seem a tiny bit out of place with the other chapters so far, but not for long. This one sets up a lot for the next three chapters, which will be the conclusion of this part of the fic. So... I hope you enjoy! And once again, I love responding to comments, so make sure to leave them and I'll respond as soon as possible!

 

 

 

It had been three months since Kai's birthday, and he was still alive.

However, it wasn't because he had survived the Merge. It was because the Merge hadn't happened yet; a fact that was slowly driving Kai insane and filling me with anxiety. The waiting was terrible. Every day, I went out into the woods to meet Kai holding my breath, praying that he was alive, that he'd be there waiting for me. So far, I hadn't been disappointed, but I knew the day would come when he wouldn't be there.

Thankfully, this day was no different than the ones before it. I saw his huddled figure sitting on the floor and I felt my face light-up, the ever-present fear in my stomach replaced with relief and happiness. I was happy that his back was to me so he didn't see my reaction. 

When I came around to his front, he immediately looked up and smiled, but the joy didn't reach his eyes. He was starting to become distant lately. The frustration of waiting for the Merge, for a chance to start over, was eating him up inside, and was causing him to become more introverted. 

"Hi," he muttered quickly before dropping his attention back to what he was doing. I followed his eyes to see what he was so focused on. He was playing a game with himself, continuously snapping his fingers to create a small fire, and using the other hand to extinguish it. My eyebrows shot up, surprised to see him so casually playing with magic. 

"Hey,' I replied, letting some of the shock of seeing him with magic seep into my voice. I kept my eyes on his trick as I sat down next to him. "You have magic."

He responded with a noise of acknowledgment, not taking his eyes off the flame in his hand. He was now trying to make it burn brighter, cupping his free hand around the ember.

"They let you have some?" I asked tentatively. I had explained to him how I had transferred my magic to him painlessly on his birthday in the hopes that he would show his siblings. He had insisted that they wouldn't even think about trying to help him out, but I had managed to convince him to at least show them. I had hoped that they'd be generous enough to let him have some of their magic once they realized that it would be painless.

His expression flickered for a quick second, but he didn't take his eyes away from his hands. The light of the flame was making shadows dance over his face, and something about the intensity of his gaze scared me a little. 

I knew that he had heard me, but he was choosing not to answer me. 

"Kai?"

His head snapped towards me, and I couldn't help but notice that the fire in his hand had extinguished. His eyes scanned my face for a moment, as if he was trying to read my emotions but couldn't quite figure out what he was looking for, before he looked out into the trees.

"No," he stated matter-of-factly. I started to respond, but he continued before I could say anything. "I mean, I asked Joey for some. But you know him. He's selfish. He was all like...  _no. It's mine, you can't have it, you abomination..._ That hurt my feelings, you know?And then he was wondering why I was laughing at him."

He chuckled darkly, and for some reason, the sound sent a shiver down my spine.  "I think he forgot that I can take his magic whenever I want."

My eyes grew wide, and he  _laughed_  at my reaction, shrugging. "Well, I mean... I did ask! But that didn't work." He snapped his fingers again, causing another flame to appear at his fingertips. "So I took it."

I stayed quiet, watching how the light of the flame danced across his skin. I didn't know what to say to that.

He stared at his handiwork, and it looked like he got lost in a trance. I wondered what was going on in his head, but at that moment, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Anywho," he continued, his tone much lighter and cutting through the tension in the air. He continued as if nothing happened, but I couldn't shake the chill his words sent through me. "I thought you'd like to know the latest excuse. The parents are apparently bringing Josie to a... meeting with the coven. That's how they worded it, with the dramatic pause and everything."

I could feel his sadness wash through my body, and he clapped his hands together, extinguishing the flame. He looked at his clasped hands, avoiding my gaze. "I'm sure the coven will meet with me soon, too," he muttered, but his words sounded hollow. 

Kai had started doing this in the past couple of months. There had been at least a dozen celestial events since his birthday, but his parents had had an excuse every time as to why the Merge had to be postponed. It had started out believable enough, with them telling him they wanted to wait until the holidays were over. But I could tell that he was starting to not believe them anymore. 

We sat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes. Kai's eyes were closed, and I could feel that he was just basking in the feeling of the wind on his face, and in the feeling of my company.

My mind wandered, and I started thinking about Josette and her "coven meeting". Was she looking forward to the Merge as much as he was? Or was she worried about losing, about dying?

I looked over at Kai. I didn't want to ruin his calm state. From what I could tell, I was the only person who he felt one hundred percent comfortable with, but I couldn't stop myself from voicing my thoughts. 

"Do you ever think about it?"

He opened his eyes slowly, and they were full of mischief. "I think about a lot of things."

I let out an awkward laugh, looking away from him, but I could see he was smirking right back at me. Something about his tone when he said that made me blush. I tucked some of my loose hair behind my ear as I looked back at him, and he responded with a wink. I felt the heat in my cheeks intensify.

"Mind out of the gutter, Parker," I chastised him as I chuckled. 

"Be more specific, Chase," he shot back in a sing-songy voice. 

I slapped his knee lightly, making him laugh. The sound rang out around us. "I'm serious!" I exclaimed, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing, too.

I waited for our laughter to subside before I brought up the topic again. "I'm serious," I repeated, trying to speak despite my flustered state. "I already talked to you about that."

I saw his face drop, but he nodded anyway, trying to hide his disappointment. We hadn't really talked much about our kiss since it happened, and I was trying my hardest to keep myself at arms length from my feelings. Kai, on the other hand, had been making it difficult for me to ignore my emotions, especially when I could feel every one of his. It's not like he was hiding them, anyway.

I willed myself to push those thoughts down. "I was talking about the Merge."

Kai shot me a look, one that asked if I was being serious, before I continued. "About the fact that, to get what you want... that your sister's gonna die. Do you... do you ever think about it?"

He scoffed. "Of course."

Silence stretched between us, and I was about to ask if he was going to continue before he started speaking again. 

"The way I see it is like this," he started slowly, measuring each word before he spoke them. His whole demeanor changed as he spoke, and his voice lacked the warmth it had held mere seconds ago. It sounded cold, calloused, calculated. 

"I have spent my whole life as the black sheep of the family. The outcast. The misfit. This Merge... it's my birthright. And as for dear, perfect Josie? Well, she owes this to me."

I sat in silence, too shocked by his answer to say anything more. I had known that the Parker's had some twisted views on the Merge, that they didn't consider the process murder, but this... This felt wrong. It didn't sound like the Kai Parker that I thought I knew. It sounded like someone else. Someone I didn't recognize. 

"But enough about me," he continued, completely dismissing his previous words. His voice was suddenly light and carefree again. The switch made my head spin. "What about you?"

I blinked, my mind still not caught up with his personality switch. "What about me?"

"Do you ever think about events in your life that you can't change?"

I shook my head.

"Well," he said, placing a hand on my knee. "Humor me for a minute then. You like to ask a lot of questions, but you don't answer too many."

I stayed quiet to that, honestly not sure what to say. He rolled his eyes at me. "Okay... What about this Joe guy? Ever thought of what it would be like for him to... you know, not be in your life?"

I tensed at Joe's name coming out of Kai's mouth. He was definitely someone I didn't like to talk about, but I started thinking anyway. Mostly, it was to distract myself from Kai's previous words. I wanted to ask him more, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear his answer.

"My life would be... Different. Full of different kinds of happy."

He gave me a perplexed look, so I continued. "Well, I wouldn't have met you, and I probably would have went to college. So it would have been very different. But... I would be able to... Feel like myself. I don't know. Since he's shown up in my life... I haven't felt like me. I've felt like something's missing."

I surprised myself with my own words. I hadn't acknowledged that to myself before, but the more I thought about it, the more true it felt. There was a part of me that had felt empty for so long, I had almost forgotten it was there.

He nodded slowly, taking in my words. After a moment, he asked another question. "You told me your mom dated a lot before him. Which guy would you have preferred she married?"

"Steven," I said immediately, shocking both of us with the quickness of my answer. He was the last person my mom dated before Joe, but it felt like I hadn't thought about Steven in forever. It took my brain a minute to catch up to my words. 

"Why?" He continued prodding, sounding genuinely curious. 

I tried to think, tried to figure out why I sad that, but it was hard. Memories of him were coming in snapshots and emotions. I had no recollection of any of the events; I just knew that they happened and how I felt about them. It was like looking through a photo album of an alternate self. 

"I... I don't know..." I told him, trying to sift through my memories. Each snapshot felt warm. It felt like home. Like I was understood. 

I had almost forgot what it felt like. 

But that was just it. They were snapshots, not memories. It felt like I was trying to build a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what it was supposed to look like... like I was trying to piece together a life that wasn't mine, one I didn't remember.

"You don't know?" Kai asked me. 

I shook my head. "I can't remember. Everything feels blurry. But... I can't shake the feeling that he was a father figure to me... And that he was important." 

I tried my hardest to remember anything, but I couldn't. All the details were blurred out, and trying to bring them into focus was making my head spin. 

"Are you okay?" Kai asked me, concern evident on his face. 

I heard his question, but I couldn't bring myself to answer it. My memories... They were just out of reach. I felt them slipping through my fingertips as I tried to reach for them. 

Why couldn't I remember?

"Halyn?" he asked again, placing his hand on my shoulder. His touch sent a buzzing through my body. It centered me, and brought me back to the moment. 

"I... I can't remember..." I whispered. 

Kai stayed quiet for a moment. He squeezed my shoulder, trying to relax me.

But I didn't want to relax. I wanted to remember. 

"Okay," he started, sounding unsure of himself. "Well, then, what do you remember?"

I thought hard before I answered. "I... I remember his smile. It was warm and inviting and made me feel loved. And... I remember my mom being madly in love with him, and I think I loved him too, and that he loved both of us back. She dated him for a long time, like three or four years, I think. And..." I could feel that I was missing something... something important. The memory flitted in front of me, and I grabbed it before it could slip away.

"And he was a witch, too!" That's what I had almost forgotten. God, how could I have forgotten that? "He was a witch too. He accepted us, was one of us."

"Why did they break up then?" Kai asked. His voice was gentle, but there was an emotion in it I couldn't place.

I closed my eyes, cradling my head in my hands. The whole situation was starting to scare me. I just needed to remember. What was wrong with me?

Kai squeezed the shoulder he was holding in an attempt to soothe my fear. He started drawing small circles on it with his thumb. Each one sent shockwaves through my body. Our bond had grown stronger since our magic exchange, but I had been able to manage the sensations, despite our feelings for each other making everything messier than I wanted. But now, each movement sent a jolt through me, and I could feel his worry, and all of the other emotions he felt for me.

It was all too much. I jerked my shoulder away, trying to focus all my attention on remembering. I felt his shock wash over me, and I tried my hardest to ignore it.

I could feel the memory, but it was just out of my reach. It felt like it was hidden behind a brick wall, and no matter what I did, I couldn't reach it. 

I shook my head, trying my hardest to hold back the sobs threatening to escape me. "I don't know," I whispered. "I... I can't remember that. It's... it's all blurry. I remember pieces of after, though. The quietness of the house. The emptiness. I remember my mom avoiding me for days. She... she wouldn't look me in the eyes. She was there but I was still alone. I think... I think she was guilty about something, but I don't know what. And then she took me out of school, kept me at home all day..."

"Wait, what?" Kai interrupted, clearly confused. "Why?"

"I don't know!" I yelled at him. My frustration had been rising, and it had finally snapped with his question. His eyes widened, his shock and sadness evident on his face.

"I'm sorry," I said, lowering my voice again. "I'm sorry. It's just... I can't remember any of it. It's just... just bits and pieces. Snapshots of things I should remember. All the detail has been scrubbed out."

"Scrubbed out? You mean like with magic?"

The question threw me off. I was left speechless for a minute. That couldn't be right. Could it?

"I... I don't know what I mean." I responded. Someone used magic on my head? I shuddered at the thought. "There has to be a logical reason for why I can't remember."

I could tell that Kai didn't believe me. He eyed me cautiously. "I don't know, Halyn. I've learned that sometimes family isn't to be trusted."

I stayed quiet, not wanting to believe his words. It was all becoming too much. My fear, my suspicion, my disbelief, my need to remember; and on top of it, Kai's worry for me, and all of his other emotions that I couldn't bring myself to decipher. I felt like I was drowning in it all.

"Hey, it's okay..." he started to say, coming closer to me to bring me into a hug, but I shook him off.

"No, it's not," I told him, my voice frantic. "I can't...  I can't do this. I have to go."

I rose to my feet so quickly that I felt myself get lightheaded. "Wait," I heard Kai say, but I wasn't listening. 

I started to turn away, but suddenly Kai was on his feet too, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around. 

I looked at him for a second, but quickly looked away. His eyes were full of emotions; sadness, fear, worry, caring, confusion, anger. I couldn't bear to see him like that. It stirred up too many of my own emotions. 

My eyes fell to my wrist instead, where his hand was holding. I felt a wave of emotion surge into my body from the spot where our bodies met. Wave after wave flooded me, corresponding to the beats of my unsteady heart. 

"Halyn?" he asked gently. 

"I'm sorry," I responded quietly, lightly pulling my arm away from his touch. He let it go without a fight. "I... I need to go. I need to figure out what's going on with me."

"I can help you..."

"No," I said, cutting him off. "You've helped enough already. Thank you, but... I'll... I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I turned around and started to walk away quickly. The farther I walked, the more Kai's feelings started to fade from my body and I could breathe again. Once I started to feel like myself again, I sat down against a tree, trying to slow down my breaths. 

How long had these memories been missing from my mind? Months? Years? What happened to them? I didn't want to believe Kai's suggestion, that someone had taken them from me. What would have even been the reason for doing that? I scanned my memory to try to find any other holes, but I didn't seem to find any.

I was still thinking about my memory loss when I walked back into my house. My feet carried me through the door, but my mind was somewhere else.

I was shaken out of my thoughts by a voice. 

"Halyn, honey?" My mom called out from the doorway of the kitchen. Her head was tilted to the side, and worry was painted on her face. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I snapped out of my trance, smoothing out my shirt and running a hand through my hair. "Yeah... Yeah I'm fine." I lied. "I'm just tired. I... I think I'm gonna go to my room."

"Alright, well feel better," she responded, but she still eyed me cautiously. 

I got halfway up the stairs before I stopped. My mother was the only constant in the memories I had, and she was the one who had taught me the most about magic. I should be able to trust her enough to tell her about what was happening. But still, I couldn't get Kai's thought out of my head. I didn't want to ask her about Steven, since I knew it would bring up some hard memories for her, so I asked her something else. 

"Hey, mom," I called from the stairs, leaning over the banister. She had turned back into the kitchen, but faced me once I called for her. 

"I was thinking earlier, and for some reason, I can't remember. Why did you take me out of high school? I didn't even finish the semester."

Even from my spot on the stairs, I could see her immediately stiffen with my question. Her eyes searched my face, looking for something, and I willed myself to maintain a poker face. She relaxed a bit before she answered. 

"You got sick," she said, but her voice had a weird tone to it. "It was really bad, and it lasted for months. Don't you remember?"

I thought back, and now that she mentioned it, I did have a faint memory of me in bed with a fever, of her caring for me and being there for me. But something felt off about it. It didn't feel like a memory. It felt more like a hazy dream. 

I nodded anyway.

She looked down before she continued, and started to fiddle with the hem of her shirt. "After that, I thought it would be best to just keep you at home with me. You would have been too behind in school, anyway." 

I almost responded, but she continued. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I was protecting you. I just wanted to protect you."

I tried not to show a reaction to her words, even though she wasn't looking up at me anyways. I thanked her quietly and went up to my room. When the door was locked, I flopped onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Something was very off. For as long as I could remember, it had been me and my mother against the world, but now I couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding something from me. Something big. Something that would change everything. 


	8. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry I'm posting this chapter a little later in the day than usual, but I woke up feeling super crappy and then there was a problem at my internship. But, it's here now! Also I've been working super super hard to stay ahead of these updates and I'm at the point where I've caught up to myself, but I'm gonna try my hardest to stay on my update schedule despite this.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to comment and leave kudos. I love responding to comments, and it makes my mornings!

 

The day started like any other.

I spent the majority of my morning hidden in my room. This had become my routine in the past months. I hadn't been able to look my mom in the eye since the conversation I had with her on the stairs. She could tell there was something off with me. She had known me my entire life, and she knew when I was acting weird, but I couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding something from me. Something important.

As far as I had been able to tell, there weren't any other important events missing from my memory. Everything seemed to be mostly intact. But there were other little things missing, things that had to do with that same time period. I couldn't remember exactly when I had been taken out of school. Or what happened between me and my friends from there. I hadn't had many, but I had been close with the few that I had. I hadn't realized before how suddenly they had disappeared from my life. 

I moved from my bed and walked in front of my mirror, staring at the reflection in front of me. I grabbed at a strand of hair, holding it gingerly between two fingertips. I distinctly remembered having bright, aqua blue hair while I was in school. I had loved it the color on me, and loved the way it made my eyes shine in a way they never had. As I stood in front of the mirror, I realized I couldn't even remember when I had dyed it back to my natural brown. 

It's funny, I hadn't even realized that I had become unrecognizable to myself. 

It's insane how you can forget someone that you once were. How you can change so much and not even realize it until you look back. It was times like this that I missed the shards of the person that I used to be, even if I couldn't remember her. I snapped myself out of my thoughts, not wanting to continue thinking about that any more. 

Like clockwork. I heard the sounds of yelling coming from downstairs. I wanted to roll my eyes at the constant arguing, but at this point, I was a little relieved by it. It was much harder for me to avoid my mother than it was for me to avoid Joe, so this way, at least they were both occupied. I grimaced as the thought crossed my mind, and tried to push it as far down as I could, along with the guilt I felt about it.

I slipped out of the house relatively easily, basking in the May air as it hit my skin. I closed my eyes, letting my feet carry me from muscle memory. There was something strangely peaceful about it all, and if I had known better, I would have realized that strange feeling was actually an eeriness in the air.

I stopped walking and gasped as I felt a wave of anger and anxiety wash over my body. It was sudden and intense, removing every trace of the peaceful feeling I had before. I felt it buzzing in my bones, and I felt like I was going to drown in the feelings. 

I forced myself to take deep breaths, trying to ease the emotions, but it didn't really help. It was then that I heard it; the sound of branches being crushed under someone's feet. It sounded like someone was pacing. My mind immediately put the pieces together. It had to be Kai. 

I slowly walked closer.  The anxiety leaking into me was making me extra-cautious. As I got closer, I could hear what sounded like frantic mumbling, or whispering. Kai was, in fact, pacing, while talking to himself and pulling at the strands of his hair. A strong wave of dread washed over my body, and I was unable to keep it at bay. I clenched my fists at my sides, trying to control the feelings. I felt like I was going to lose myself if I wasn't careful. 

Once I had gotten a grasp of the feelings a bit, I approached.  When I was only a couple feet away, Kai stopped abruptly. He snapped his head in my direction, and I could see the fire in his eyes. 

"Halyn," he said quietly, his hands stilling in his hair, but his tone was unreadable. I knew that I could probably figure out the emotion if I let go of the grip that I had on my feelings, and let his emotions flow through my veins, but I was hesitant to do so at the moment.

"Kai, are you okay?" I asked, and only after the words left my mouth did I realize how stupid they were. He was obviously  _not_  okay.

"I... I don't get it," he responded, lost in his own thoughts. When he spoke, his hands started pulling on his hair again as he resumed his pacing, as if he was oblivious to my presence. "There has to be... has to be some explanation."

"Explanation for what?" I asked him.

"Everything!" he yelled, scaring me a bit. I was taken aback by his tone, letting my guard fall for a second, and when it did, my body was filled with an anger stronger than anything I had ever felt before. My eyes widened as my body started to shake from the sensation. He seemed to misread my expression, because his tone softened a bit as he continued. When he spoke again, his words were more pointed, as if he was consciously trying to remain calm. "There has to be an explanation for everything."

I was relieved to feel the anger slowly start to drain from my body, giving me more control of my own emotions. The connection between us had definitely become stronger in the past weeks, but never had I felt it so strongly before. Kai's emotions were so intense that I could barely tell who they belonged to in the first place. They made my head swim, and so I sat down slowly, crossing my legs under me. 

"Start from the beginning," I told him, cradling my head in my hands. I wanted desperately to help him and to ease his mind. Hopefully if I did, it would help to end the emotional assault I was enduring. 

Kai eyed me carefully for a moment, as if he could tell that there was something wrong, but sat down anyway. His speech came fast, and I felt his frantic energy threatening to invade my body as he spoke. I focused all of my attention on his words, and holding back the flood of emotions that came with them. 

"There's something going on," he began. "I'm sure of that part. There's just too many fishy things going on. Josie refuses to look me in the eyes. Which, I mean, isn't something that's particularly new, but it's different this time. It  _feels_  different. And my parents keep whisking her away to secret coven meetings, and for some reason, they think I haven't noticed them. Either that, or they don't really care." He stopped speaking for a second, chuckling darkly. The sound sent a shiver up my spine. "Oh, but they should. Cuz I'm onto them."

"Slow down," I muttered, rubbing my fingertips into my temples as I glanced up at him. I was trying hard to focus on his words, but it was all just getting jumbled in my head. 

My words stopped his rambling, and for the first time since he had started talking, his eyes met mine. His eyes scanned over my figure before he moved closer, kneeling down to be able to reach me. 

"What's wrong?" he asked carefully, reaching out to touch my shoulder.

A small rush of fear shot through me, but this time, the feeling was my own. I jerked away from his touch, right as his hand retracted on instinct. I was having trouble handling the surges of emotions as it was, and I feared that his touch would only make it harder. 

He gasped softly at my action. It was the first time I had ever pulled away from his touch like that, He looked hurt, and slightly confused, as he looked down at his hands. I had become so used to that habit of his that I didn't realize that it was different this time. I didn't notice the look of bewilderment in his eyes as he stared at his hands, and I didn't notice the way that he was almost trying to stare  _through_  them.

"Nothing. I'm fine," I reassured him, trying to dismiss his worry and my previous actions. "Just... what do you think your parents are trying to do?"

The question snapped him out of his thoughts. He straightened up, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shifting from foot to foot as he spoke. "Well, that's what I'm not sure of yet. It has something to do with the Merge, though."

As he got back on topic, I could feel his anger returning, although it felt like it had dissipated a bit. It fizzled on the edges of my consciousness, fighting its hardest to seep into my bones. 

"They've... They've been bringing Josie to these coven meetings... And they haven't invited me, not even once. The Merge... The coven... They all thrive on the power of the twins. So why only bring her? Why not bring both of us? It just doesn't add up," he continued. "And... And they're not even trying to give me excuses anymore. They just keep putting off the ceremony, as if it's not even important. He's just telling me...  _No, son. Not today._ Like that's it. Like it's not even a big deal."

His voice raised in volume as he let his anger consume him. "This Merge... It's my birthright! Me and sissy became of age  _six months ago_! We've had countless opportunities, countless celestial events... All of it. All that power... Just wasted! I... I just don't know what they're waiting for!"

It was with those words that the answer hit me. My mind flashed back to the conversation I had with my mom the day I discovered the Merge. Every second of that day was seared into my memory. 

I heard my mother's words echo in my head after I told her about Kai and the Merge. I saw the shock on her face, and she told me that the Parker's must have changed their mind about Kai performing the ritual. My mind had been elsewhere at the time, but now that I was thinking about it again, the pieces were starting to fall into place. 

I had never seen anything in my research about multiple Gemini coven twins in one family. I had thought that maybe it was just extremely rare, but maybe there was a different reason for it. Maybe the situation with the Parker's wasn't one of rarity, but one of  _necessity_.

"Olivia and Lucas," I whispered to myself.

Kai froze, and his head snapped in my direction. "What? What about them?"

I hadn't meant for him to hear my words, especially since I still wasn't one hundred percent sure of my conclusion, but now that he asked, I tried my best to explain my thoughts. 

"It's very uncommon to have more than one set of Gemini twins in a family," I started, trying to gauge his reaction. He nodded once, affirming to me that I was right, and urging me to continue. 

"What if your parents  _are_  waiting for something?" I asked him. I hoped for him to figure out what I was trying to say, but the blank expression on his face told me that I had to continue. 

I sighed before voicing my thought. "Maybe they are waiting. Maybe they're waiting for Lucas and Olivia to do the Merge instead."

He stared at me for a moment, not quite processing my words, but I could see the exact moment that realization started to wash over him. 

"No, no, no..." His hands went into his hair again, pulling at the strands as he started to let panic overtake him. "They can't do that... They can't do that, can they? No, no..."

I stood up and moved into his way, trying to stop him from pacing. "Kai, calm down," I whispered, holding my hands out in front of me. I wanted to put my hands on his shoulders, but he didn't seem like he wanted to be touched.

His eyes were wild when they met mine, full of panic and fear. But as he looked at me, I saw his expression morph into one of surprise. 

When he spoke, he sounded incredulous. "You're... happy about that? About the Merge?"

I was taken aback by the question, but I couldn't deny the truth of it.  To be honest, I couldn't help but feel a bit relieved.  If Kai wasn't going to do the Merge, that meant he would be safe, and it meant that I wasn't going to lose him. Despite that, I was surprised that he realized I was feeling that way. 

"Well," I started, trying to be careful with my words. "I wouldn't say happy.  More relieved."

He scoffed and started to turn away from me, so I rushed the rest of the words out. "I mean, if you're not doing it, then you're not at risk of dying anymore. I know it's not what you wanted, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise. You and Josette get to keep on living as normal."

"You don't get it!" Kai yelled, turning back at me. I couldn't help but jump a little at his tone, and from the overwhelming waves of pure anger that were seeping into my veins. He ignored it all. "There is no normal for me."

I saw something shattered in his eyes that I had never seen before. Something broken. This wasn't the boy I thought I knew. This was someone else, and I wasn't sure if the broken pieces could be fixed.

"This is my only shot at any sort of normal. This is my birthright! How dare they try to take it away from me. How dare you side with them."

"I'm on the side where you don't die," I retorted. This was getting out of control. "I'm not siding with anyone."

"Yes you are!" 

He closed the distance between us with a single stride until we were mere inches from each other. Everything was going so fast that I didn't even register when his fingers closed themselves around my left wrist. Not until my entire body was bathed in pain. 

 

I gasped, trying to pull my arm away from him, but his grip was like a vice on me. I called his name quietly, my voice barely above a whisper, but he ignored it. 

"I don't need normal! I don't need Josie! This is what I need!"

His words terrified me, especially since I could feel the murderous rage behind each one. I could feel his anger in my bones, threatening to break me. I tried to transfer my power to him, to prevent it from being so painful, but he was siphoning the power faster than I could give it. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. The mixture of pain, my fear and his anger made my head spin, making it impossible to concentrate on anything. 

"No..." I breathed out, the word barely ghosting past my lips.

My knees gave out, and my other hand clung to his arm weakly as I tried to support myself. He towered over me, making him seen even more intimidating. The pain was all-consuming, and his anger weaved its way into my veins.

"I was born to lead the Gemini coven. They can't take that away from me."

Tears were streaming down my face. This wasn't the boy I had known, the one I cared about. He was possessed, drunk with the prospect of power. I felt something start to drip out of my nose, and I immediately knew it was blood, despite the pain-filled haze clouding my thoughts. 

I dug my nails into his flesh as hard as I could, trying desperately to snap him out of it. I pushed as much power as I could into my words. 

"Kai, please," I started, my lungs burning with every word. "Please, don't."

I saw a small crack in his resolve, and I forced myself to push more words out.

"This isn't you."

His expression faltered for a second, and I felt the beat of unsureness that he felt. The grip on my wrist loosened just a bit, but it was enough. I yanked my arm away from his hold. The force, combined with my unsteady legs, threw me backwards. i fell, my back colliding with the Earth, as I cradled my wrist up to my chest. My body was aching, and I couldn't stop coughing.

He watched me with a glazed expression as he muttered nonsense to himself, his gaze never quite focusing on me. That changed once I got the coughing under control and spoke. 

"Kai?" I whispered, my voice hoarse and my throat burning with the word. 

His eyes fell on my frame only then, and I saw as the weight of what he had done dawned on them.

Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks and I looked up at him. This wasn't the Kai Parker I had known. The boy with chaos in his eyes, who was cautious and gentle and a little bit scared of himself. The boy who found peace in me. No, this was someone else. Someone much darker. 

"Oh my God, Halyn," he breathed out. The emotions crashed over my body like wild waves, but I was too spent to try to decipher them. 

"Are you..." he started as he rushed over to me. He extended a hand out, reaching it towards me. 

I couldn't stop the fear that shot through my body as he got near. It was a foreign feeling, fearing Kai. It felt as if the emotion wasn't meant for him. 

His hand stopped inches from my skin, seemingly frozen in place. My gaze shifted from it back up to his face. 

Kai's expression was something unreadable. His eyes were squinted every so slightly, with his head cocked to the side. His lips formed a tight line; a stark contrast from the bright, lopsided smile that usually adorned his face in my presence.

_What_ , I wanted to ask, but something told me I was more terrified of his answer. 

"Fear," he stated plainly when he finally broke the silence. His expression changed with the word, from neutral and calculating to sad and somber.

"You're... you're scared of me?" he asked, his voice cracking along with the pieces of his heart. 

He was wrong. I wasn't scared of  _him_ , per se. I could never be scared of the Kai I knew. I was scared of the darkness that seemed to be seeping its way into his veins. I was scared of the person he would become if he let that darkness in, if he let it become a part of him.

"That's... that's not it."

"Don't lie!" he yelled, and I hated the way I flinched at the tone of his voice. That surely didn't helping my case, but I couldn't stop my body from shaking. 

"Don't lie," he repeated, his voice lowering and his anger dissipating, so all that was left was his sadness. "I can feel you. I've felt your happiness, your pain, your content. I didn't know what it was before, but now I do. Earlier, I felt your relief, and now... I feel your terror."

I froze with his words. He felt me the same way I felt him. I had always wondered if the bond I shared with Kai was a two way street, but I had never worked up the courage to ask. Now I knew, but it was too late. 

"Kai," I started, fighting to keep my emotions level. "Listen to me."

"I've heard enough," he interjected, cutting my words short. "I've felt enough. I don't want to anymore."

I stared at him, too shocked by his words to say anything else. The tears continued to roll down my cheeks, but I made no move to wipe them away. 

"I thought you were different, Halyn. But you're not. You're scared of me, just like everyone else. You think I'm a freak too, don't you?"

I didn't even have the chance to respond, to tell him that was so far from the case, before he continued. "Thanks to you... I like me. And my powers? Well, they give me an edge. I don't have to ask for this, for my  _birthright_. I'm the rightful leader of the Gemini coven. And if they won't even give me the chance? Well, I guess I'll just have to take it."

It was then that I felt it: the darkness consuming him. It grew and grew inside of him, until I could only feel one thing from him: his murderous rage. 

I could feel my panic starting to set in. Kai's words were madness, and I could feel in my bones that something really, really bad was about to happen. 

"Kai... Kai, wait... please," I gasped out as I attempted to scramble to my feet, but my limbs were still weak from the siphoning. I stumbled forward a step, trying to close the distance between us. It felt like it was getting bigger with each passing second. 

He turned away from me and muttered a word under his breath. I didn't realize what he said until I felt its effect.

"Vodux." 

The spell threw me off my feet, and I fell hard on the ground once again. I let out a groan as I landed, and I could have sworn I felt something crack. My lungs were burning as I coughed. 

"Don't try to stop me, Halyn," he said, not even turning to face me, and his voice sent a shiver up my spine. It was icy and full of malice. "They've feared me my entire life. It's time to give them something to fear."

He walked away then, without even looking back. "No," I breathed out, the word barely above a whisper.

"Wait..." I tried to struggle to my feet, but my body was so weak that I couldn't. I fell to my knees instead. 

My body was trembling. I called his name, but he didn't turn around, didn't stop walking away. I screamed for him, but it didn't matter. I had lost him, and there was no telling what he was going to do, but I had a sickening feeling in my gut thinking about it. 

My screams turned to sobs, and I sat there alone until my lungs were on fire, until I had no tears left. The only sound was my sobs.

And when I was finally able to form words again, he was too far away to hear it; to hear the words that I had waited way too long to say.

"I loved you."

It didn't matter, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take a quick moment to apologize for all of that angst that you just read. When planning this fic, this was one of the first chapters that I thought of, and I've been anxiously waiting to post this one. The next chapter should (hopefully) be posted on July 26, so stay tuned!
> 
> *EDIT: I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update, but please know that I am still actively working on this fic and hope to post the next chapter very very soon, so stay tuned please.
> 
> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	9. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first wanted to say that I AM SO SO SORRY for taking this long to post this chapter. Like I've said before, I am a very slow writer, and things have been very hectic for me the past couple of weeks with my internship, career and personal life. But, I have appreciated all of your comments and kudos while I was writing this, and it kept me motivated to get this done as fast as possible. I'd especially like to thank a reader named Emma, who left a comment on the weekend that helped to reassure me that people still care about this fic. It made me very, very happy.
> 
> This chapter is jam packed with stuff, but I do want to note that there is some violence in it. Nothing worse than what has already been seen in the actual Vampire Diaries show, but I wanted to make sure to warn of it in advance. This chapter is also a little different from the others one, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I can't say for sure when the next chapter will be posted, but it's a much shorter chapter than this one, so hopefully it will be soon!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to comment and leave kudos. I love responding to comments, and it makes my mornings!
> 
> **EDIT: I am so sorry for taking so long between chapter updates! Things have been pretty hectic for me and I haven't gotten many opportunities to write, but I shall post the next chapter by the end of the month if it kills me, so stay tuned!

 

 

 

I couldn't breathe. 

I woke up with a gasp, but I couldn't get any air into my lungs. I was immobilized, unable to breathe or move. My eyes frantically searched in the darkness, trying to find the source of what felt like an invisible hand wrapped around my throat, but there wasn't anyone there. 

I couldn't do anything but shut my eyes tight as pain shot through my head. It felt like my mind was being split in half, but I couldn't even scream. My voice was stuck in my throat, paralyzed like the rest of me.

My vision was flickering. Scenes were moving against my eyes despite the darkness, flashing against the back of my eyelids. Flashes of the forest, of faces I hadn't seen before, of what looked like someone falling to the ground. None of it made any sense, and I didn't have enough sanity to try to process it, anyway. Faint chanting was ringing through my ears, but the voices were muffled, not allowing me to decipher their words. 

I was running out of oxygen as I heard it; a long, pained scream. My entire vision turned white before it all ended abruptly. 

I regained control of my body all at once, and I gasped for air, trying to fill my lungs with the oxygen they needed. I couldn't stop coughing, and my eyes were watering.  I rolled onto my side, but went too far and rolled off the bed, crashing onto the floor with a loud thump.

As I fell, I brought my bedside lamp down with me, and it shattered upon impact. Shards of it flew everywhere, scratching into my arms and knees as I fell. Blood ran down my forearm, but I barely registered the pain. 

Something was wrong. Something was very,  _very wrong._

I heard movement outside of my door, and I looked up just in time to see my mother stumbling towards my room. I could tell she was still half asleep, and if I had to guess, the sound of me falling probably woke her up. 

She turned on the light, and gasped when she saw the scene in front of her. I was huddled on the floor, cradling my bleeding arm. My mind felt foggy, and I was sure there was some trace of it on my face, too. 

"Oh my goodness, Halyn," she whispered, hurrying into the room and closing the door behind her. Once it was closed, her voice raised to a normal volume. "What the hell happened in here?"

It took a minute for her words to register in my brain. "Something's wrong," I muttered, not completely understanding the words that were coming out of my mouth. 

"Well yeah, your arm is bleeding," she replied, grabbing my arm and inspecting it.  She raised her gaze from it to my eyes, searching them for an answer. I looked back at her in a daze. I felt different, but I couldn't figure out how.

"Halyn," she started gently, but I could still hear the distress in her voice. She tried to meet my eyes as she spoke again. "What happened? Are you okay?"

It was with her words that I felt it. It felt like a piece of me was missing. There was a void in the pit of my stomach that wasn't there before, and that I had never felt before. It was a numbing sort of emptiness that chilled my entire body. It took me a second to realize what was missing. The feeling of warmth, the feeling of comfort, the feeling of the connection I had made with the beautiful boy in the woods all those months ago. 

It was gone. 

"Kai."

My mother blinked, looking visibly thrown at my response. That was obviously not the answer she was expecting. 

"What..." she started, but I cut her off abruptly.

"Kai. There's something very wrong. I can't feel him anymore. I have to go."

I barely registered the words coming out of my mouth, too preoccupied with the missing feeling to care much about choosing my words wisely. 

"Wait," she told me, but I ignored her.

My mind was elsewhere. The memory of the previous day was still fresh in my mind. Our argument, him siphoning my magic, him walking away. I was sure that Kai probably didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I wasn't sure how I felt about him at the moment, either. But I had to make sure he was okay. After everything we had been through, I  _had_  to know he was okay. And once I knew that, then we could try to work through what had happened. 

I was glad that I was too tired to change into my pajamas the previous night before falling asleep. I gathered my things before making a break for the door. My mother closed her hand around my wrist just as my fingertips grazed the doorknob, yanking me back.

"Halyn, wait."

Her voice was sterner than I had ever heard it before, and it caused me to turn around and look at her. She was standing rigid, and her eyes were full of fear. 

"What did you mean when you said you couldn't  _feel_  him?"

I stayed quiet, not quite sure how to explain the bond we shared to her. It had formed when he had siphoned me for the first time, and I didn't want to reveal that information to her. 

I didn't have to, anyway. Her face morphed into an expression of horror when she put the pieces together. 

"He siphoned you, didn't he?"

I sighed. "It was an accident." I responded simply, trying to keep my expression neutral. 

She brought a shaky hand up to cover her mouth. "Oh, my God."

"We can talk about this later, okay?" I told her, slowly inching backwards towards the door. "But, I just really need to make sure he's okay first."

She didn't say anything as I turned back around. I opened the door, but just as I was about to go through it, the knob slipped from my hands. The door shut with a loud bang.

I turned around slowly with wide eyes, and came face to face with my mother, her arms still outstretched from using her magic to slam the door. She had a tinge of regret in her eyes, but it was mostly masked by her resolve. 

"I thought you knew better than that, Halyn," she started. Her voice was shaking, along with her hands. "Better than to be around someone who hurt you. Someone who possesses the darkness his family does. But I guess you don't, so I have to step in now. I don't want you seeing the siphon boy anymore. I don't want you wrapped up in darkness again. I can't protect you this time."

I stumbled over my words, my brain not processing what she was saying. But then something clicked in my head. 

"Again? What do you mean again?"

She stiffened immediately at my words, and I knew she said something she didn't mean to. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what she could be referring to, but I couldn't come up with anything.

"What are you talking about?" I asked again, and I could see her trying to formulate her lie in her head. 

"Tell me!" I yelled, feeling tears starting to prick at the corners of my eyes.

I couldn't even begin to figure out what she was talking about, but she just stared at me with a sad expression on her face, not revealing anything. I must have been missing something.

The realization knocked the wind out of me.  _Missing something._

"My memories..." I breathed out, more to myself than anything. But from the way my mom stiffened, I knew I was right without her saying anything. 

"I have missing memories. About leaving school, about Steven. That whole time period is gone. You took them, didn't you?"

She didn't say anything, but she didn't meet my eyes, either. We stood in silence for what felt like a long time before she spoke. 

"Steven..." she started with a shaky voice. She finally met my eyes as she spoke, tears escaping from hers as she spoke. "He loved you, Halyn. He loved you like a daughter. I got busy with work and... and he started teaching you magic in my place. But his idea of teaching... he taught you how to fuel your anger, and use the fear of others as power. He taught you magic darker than you knew how to handle. I didn't know he was teaching you those things, that he was leading you astray like that... and then there was the incident and... I didn't know what else to do."

I barely registered her words, my mind not able to keep up with what she was saying. I was only focused on one thing.

"Give them back."

The words seemed to shock her. "What?' she asked. 

"Give me my memories back." I repeated, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. 

"Halyn," I could hear the dread weighing down her words. "I didn't want you to..."

I cut her off before she could continue. "I don't care! Give them back!" 

She flinched slightly at my tone, but stepped forward silently, placing her hands on either side of my head. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered in my ear, before I felt a burning in my head. It started from my brain, and grew with each passing second. I groaned as I placed my hands over hers, cradling my head between our hands. I heard her repeat her words as my vision started to blur before me...

 

* * *

 

When my eyes regained focus, I was somewhere else. It took me a second for my brain to realize that it was the old science lab at my previous school. I was sitting at my lab desk, staring vacantly at the white board as the teacher started writing equations with his faded dry-erase markers. From where I sat, the ink was so light that I couldn't make out what was being written, and my brain couldn't quite focus on the words being said, either. 

I panicked as I frantically tried to move my head to survey my new surroundings, but it was as if I couldn't control my own body. 

I felt someone tap my arm, and my head turned on its own accord. If my brain wasn't having trouble figuring out what was happening, I would have been able to prepare myself for what was happening.

My eyes landed on Kelsie, my lab desk-mate, and ex girlfriend. My heart broke in my chest as my gaze focused on her. She looked exactly as I remembered her, with her hazel brown eyes and dark rimmed glasses and chocolate skin, and after all the time we had spent apart, she never looked so beautiful. I wanted to reach out, to graze my hand along her cheek, but my body wasn't cooperating with me. I still couldn't figure out what had happened, how I had gotten there and how Kelsie was next to me again, but I hadn't realized how much I missed her until then. It was almost as if she had faded from my life without me realizing it. 

She tilted her head towards the board slightly, and tore her gaze away from mine to write something on the paper in front of her. My body followed suit, ignoring my wishes to watch her profile as she concentrated on the words she was writing. 

There was a mechanical pencil on the desk, and instead of reaching out to grab Kelsie's free hand like I wanted to, my hand grabbed it and starting writing. My eyes shifted to Kelsie's paper every so often, copying her notes into my notebook mindlessly. I smiled internally as I copied her words. I wasn't the best student, that much was for sure. I didn't have the patience for learning most of the time. But Kelsie was a straight A student, and she always looked out for me, and made sure that I was getting my work done. She was hardworking and loving and cared about me, and it was just one of the many things I had loved about her. I couldn't believe that I had went so long without thinking about her.

Some of my hair fell over my shoulder as I wrote, and my mind went blank when I saw it. It was aqua; like the color I had it before I left school. 

My mind was whirring, trying to find out what was happening, how I had gotten there and why. None of it made any sense. I wanted to voice my concern to her, but my body wouldn't cooperate. I felt like I was watching myself through a camera lens, unable to control my own actions. 

It was then that I noticed it. The edges of my vision were fizzling, as if the entire thing was a dream. Realization struck me immediately.

_My memories. This must be them._

The bell rang abruptly, shocking me out of my thoughts as I packed my books calmly. I stood up, slinging my bag over my shoulder as Kelsie came next to me. Finally, my body obeyed one of my requests and I reached out and grabbed Kelsie's hand in my own, squeezing it lightly as she shot me one of her bright smiles. The Halyn in my memory obviously felt the same way I did seeing her smile, because she obeyed my wishes again and placed a quick kiss on Kelsie's lips. She chuckled when we parted, and I felt my cheeks heat up at the sound. She leaned in for another one, this one longer, and I tried to savor every second of it before she pulled away.

I couldn't figure out why my mom would erase this memory from my mind. It was perfect. 

We were almost out of the classroom as I felt something yank on my backpack. I stumbled backwards, reluctantly removing my hand from Kelsie's as I turned around. I saw everyone else leaving the classroom around me, including the teacher, leaving me alone with Kelsie and whoever had stopped me. I immediately tensed when I saw who I was facing. 

I was face to face with Kylie, Jack and Monique. They had never liked me, and they were always determined to make my life hell in one way or another. I was so wrapped up in seeing Kelsie again that I forgot that being back in school meant being around them again. 

"What do you want?" I heard myself mutter through gritted teeth.

"Oh, nothing," Kylie started as I watched her drape herself over Jack. Both versions of me rolled my eyes.

"Just wanted to know what your weekend plans were. That's all," Monique continued.

I tightened my hands into fists at my sides, and I felt one of Kelsie's hands clutch my fist between her fingers, attempting to soothe the tension.

"That's none of your business," I replied as calmly as I could, willing my voice to remain devoid of the annoyance bubbling in my stomach. 

"Of course not," Kylie responded, her words sickeningly sweet and lacking any form of sincerity. She flashed a fake grin at me, and I felt my hand twitch, as if I was fighting the urge to smack her. 

"Halyn," Jack said, his voice mocking. My name sounded bitter in his mouth. "Don't play dumber than you already are. This weekend is Father's Day. Don't you have a grave to go visit?"

Their laughs rang out through the almost-empty lab. They continued talking, but I couldn't hear them as their voices faded into the back of my mind. I was filled with pure, unparalleled rage, and it was an emotional that had never been mine before. It was dangerously reminiscent of the anger I felt in Kai just the day before. It scared me to feel the emotion for myself. 

I couldn't stop the feeling from flooding my body. I knew that the emotions I was feeling were what I felt in my memory, but they felt foreign in that moment. 

I felt the rage slowly building in my body as I stared at them laughing at me. I remained quiet, letting the feeling simmer. I had all of this power, all of this  _magic_ , and I couldn't even do anything but stand there and let them verbally attack me. I couldn't do anything but suffer their verbal onslaught.

What was the point of my powers if I couldn't fight back?

I thought of Steven, and my mind flashed back to our lessons. He had been giving me magic lessons while my mom was working. He trusted me enough to teach me spells that my mother hadn't, and he had taught me how to channel my anger, and use it to fuel my magic in ways I hadn't before. There had never been a chance to test it before, but now... there was. 

The anger transformed into something else, and I felt the magic stirring in my body. My hands, still in fists, started to heat up, and I felt the magic coursing through my veins in a way I hadn't experienced before. 

"Ah!" Kelsie exclaimed as she pulled her hand away from mine, as if the heat in them had burned her. I could see the concern on her face out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn't focused on that, and despite the fact that everything in me wanted to turn to her, I wasn't able to.

The version of me in my memory wasn't focused on Kelsie. She was focused on her anger, and on letting it build and build until it threatened to consume her. I was terrified of what I was feeling, what I had  _felt,_ and I wanted to snap myself out this rage-fueled haze. 

But I couldn't. All I could do was watch through eyes that didn't quite feel like my own, helpless to do anything.

My eyes were fixed on Kylie's face, and I felt a smirk tug at my lips as she quickly looked around in horror. Jack and Monique followed suit, looking equally as baffled as her. The smirk morphed into a grin as I looked to what they were staring at, and saw the beakers and vials of chemicals around us set ablaze. I had set them on fire without any effort. 

Jack removed himself from Kylie, stepping closer to me. 

"What are you smiling about?" he asked, his voice threatening, as he started to close the gap between us. 

My reply was simple.

"Vodux."

I extended my hand in front of me as Jack shot backwards, flying off his feet and slamming into the back wall. He collapsed onto the floor with a thud. 

I was horrified by my actions, but there was nothing I could do as I smiled, turning my head when I saw Monique moving towards me. Kylie was fixed in her spot, her eyes wide and fearful, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye as I focused on her friend.

I was drunk on my own anger, using it to feel a sense of power I had never felt before. I extended my hand out towards Monique, stopping her dead in her tracks. She crumpled to the floor holding her head in her hands. She let out a sound of pain as she scrunched her eyes tight, trying to fight the agony I was unleashing on her mind, but it was no use. 

There was nothing I could do but watch helplessly as I attacked them. my mind cloudy with anger and pent up aggression. I wanted to gain control, to yell at this version of myself to stop, but I couldn't. This was all just a memory. 

I walked forward, placing an outstretched hand onto Monique's skull, intensifying the pain and causing her to let out a loud shriek. With my hand still on her friend's head, I turned towards Kylie.

"Do you want some, too?"

My words shocked her into action, and she darted towards the door. With my free hand, I swung my arm in her direction, slamming the door closed before she could reach it. She frantically attempted to turn the doorknob, but it was no use. 

I let go of Monique, and she collapsed in a heap on the ground, passed out from the pain. I approached Kylie slowly as she turned around and pressed herself flat against the door. Her breaths were ragged and fast and her eyes were darting around the room, desperately trying to find an escape. 

I tried to dig my heels in, to prevent myself from getting any closer, but I kept walking, slowly approaching, watching as the flames danced around us in the lab. I was starting to panic. This wasn't me. There was no way this was real.  _Right?_

"Halyn," a voice said as someone grabbed my arm. Instinctively, I swung my arm back, sending the person flying a couple of feet before they fell to the ground. 

I took a couple more steps towards Kylie before the overhead sprinklers came on. The fire around us was put out in seconds, and it snapped me out of my rage-fueled haze. 

I looked around the room, and I could feel the exact moment that the gravity of what I had just done dawned on my past self. I looked around at everyone. 

Kylie, who looked downright terrified, but also somewhat relieved as she looked up at the sprinklers in awe.

Jack, who was only starting to stir now as the water was waking him up. 

Monique, who was still passed out on the floor. Still breathing,  _thank God_ , but who was going to have a massive headache when she woke up.

And as I turned around and made eye contact with my last victim, I knew in my gut that her look would be etched into my mind for a long time. 

Kelsie, laying on the floor where I had flung her. The fact that I didn't realize it was her didn't matter. I had hurt her. She stared up at me with so much sadness and fear in her eyes, and I wanted to reach down and straighten her crooked glasses. But I couldn't. All I could do was watch as a tear slid down her face, and in that moment, I knew this was all  _very_  real. This had happened. This was the memory my mother had hidden from me.

"Halyn?" she asked, and I could tell that something in her heart was cracked now. 

I backed up slowly, trying to put as much distance between us as possible, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers. Hers, that were so full of pain and confusion and tears. I wanted desperately to wipe them away, but I was paralyzed by my own horror. 

My vision went blurry, and suddenly, I was gone again...

 

* * *

 

I stumbled as I came back to my body, moving myself as far away from my mother as possible. I couldn't even begin to process what I had seen, what I had  _done._  

I grabbed the ends of my hair between my fingertips, noting the color of the strands. Brown. 

My mother's words tore me out of my chaotic thoughts. 

"I'm sorry," she said, and when my eyes met hers, they were full of tears. "I'm sorry I took the memory away from you. But you were so... so  _broken_  after it. I just wanted to fix things for you. You couldn't go back to that school, so I took you out and wiped their memories just to make sure."

I shook my head, not able to find words or believe the things I was hearing, but she continued. 

"And... all I wanted to do was keep you safe. The things Steven taught you messed with your morals, with your mind, and you couldn't take back what you did. So I erased your memory, and broke things off with him. And when I met Joe and found out his stance on magic... that he  _hated_  it... I thought it was the right thing to do. To protect you."

I stared at her in shock as I put the pieces together. 

"It was you..." I started. My tears were free flowing at this point, but I couldn't be bothered to wipe them away. "You're the one who didn't want me using magic anymore. Joe has been your scapegoat the entire time."

She tried to interject, but I kept talking, getting more hysterical with every word. 

"You didn't even give me the chance to cope with what I had done... to mourn the life I lost. You took all of that away from me. People can't just be  _fixed_  like that. You can't just bury the darkness and expect everything to be okay after that. It's not okay."

"I just wanted to save you from the guilt. I did what I thought was best for you."

I scoffed at her words. "That wasn't your decision to make."

"Halyn," she started, but I cut her off. 

"I can't do this right now," I told her, backing up and opening the door again. "I can't. I... I have to go."

I heard my mom calling after me, but I couldn't bring myself to face her. I needed to get away. 

My mind was spinning, trying to make sense of all that I had seen and been told as my feet carried me out of the house. This whole time, I had thought my mother was on my side. But it turned out that she wasn't. I had thought that it was me and her against Joe, and I had always wondered what it was that made her stay with someone so abusive, but the entire time, she stayed because he helped to cover her lie. If there was a magic hater in the house, she could blame him, instead of preventing me from learning magic herself. The whole thing was so messed up, for both of us.

Now that I knew about what I had done, everything felt different. There was a darkness in me that I hadn't even known was there, and that had never been remedied, because my mother thought that ignoring it would make it go away. 

I needed to talk to someone about it, to be able to vent and sort out my thoughts to someone who wasn't as emotionally involved in the situation, and who could give me advice. I immediately thought of Kai, but I wasn't sure that that was the best option. Kai was a boy with his own demons, and I couldn't help think that part of what had connected us on a deeper level was that I subconsciously recognized the darkness in myself in him. 

Everything had felt so easy with Kai.  From the first moment I met him, our conversations were effortless. I found myself opening up to him in a way that I hadn't before, not since Kelsie. But even with her, I was forced to keep the magical part of myself a secret. Or, I was supposed to. Obviously, that little stunt I had pulled had clued her in before my mother had erased her memory, along with mine. With Kai, I was able to truly be myself in a way that I had never experienced before, but maybe that was because we were more similar than I originally thought. 

I shook those thoughts away. I could figure all of that out later. What I had to do now was make sure he was okay. 

By the time I snapped myself out of my thoughts, I was already approaching their driveway. I was hoping that maybe I would start to feel him again the closer I got to his house, but that wasn't the case. If anything, he felt farther away. 

I stopped as I took in the sight before me. It didn't look like what I had seen last time; with the driveway ending in emptiness and the big white house cloaked. Instead, there was a car in the driveway, and someone was walking back and forth from the trunk and the uncloaked house, packing boxes into the trunk. When I got a better look at the person, I saw it was Josette. 

She turned on her heel and walked back to the house, purpose in every step. She emerged with another box, this one a little smaller, and proceeded to pack it into the back of the trunk as well.

I approached slowly, hesitant about disturbing her but letting my need for answers control my actions. 

"Josette," I called softly, not wanting to startle her. She whirled around despite that, her eyes wild and full of fear as she stared at me, her entire body stiff. 

"I didn't mean to scare you," I continued. "I just... I really need to talk to Kai. Do you know where he is?"

Her face blanched, and she backed up until her body was pressed against the car. Her eyes were filled with terror and tears.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her words barely audible.

Her reaction confused me. "Josette, are you okay?"

"I did what I had to do," she sobbed, clutching the metal of the car so tight that her knuckles were white.

She continued before I got the chance to respond. "You're his contingency plan, aren't you? You're here to finish me off if his plan didn't succeed? I thought I was finally rid of him, but I should have known better after last night. I can't escape him, can I?"

I cut her off before she was able to continue. "Who's he? Kai? What plan?"

She looked at me, and I could tell she was trying to see if I was telling the truth. I had no idea what she was talking about, and she seemed to be able to read that on my face.

"He... he didn't tell you what he was going to do?"

I shook my head, and felt my stomach churn. "I don't know what you're talking about. What... what did Kai do?"

Tears filled her eyes again, and she looked at me with apprehension. When she finally spoke, her words turned my blood cold. They were hushed, making them sound even eerier as they hung in the still air between us. 

"He... he killed them all."

I stared at her, not able to believe her words. She continued when I stayed quiet. 

"He was after the twins. He figured it out... about them being the ones to Merge and not us. He snapped... wanted to eliminate them before they had a chance to get in the way of his power. We protected them the best we could, with cloaking spells and other magic. He couldn't kill me, since he needed me for the Merge, but the others..."

She cut herself off with a sob. She took a deep breath, and I could see her shoving her sadness down, pushing it so far into the back of her mind that it wouldn't hurt her anymore. When she spoke again, her words were devoid of the pain that was there before; they were steely and angry instead.

"He tried to gut me. Stabbed me with a hunting knife and removed my spleen." 

I wanted so desperately to be able to dispute her, but I could tell from the look on her face that she was telling the truth.

Despite that, the only thing that came out of my mouth was a whispered "no."

Her face was unreadable as she looked down. Before I could stop her, she grabbed the ends of her tshirt between her fingertips and lifted it up, exposing her stomach.

Her entire middle was wrapped with a large bandage, completely hiding the skin beneath. But it couldn't hide the blood, which was seeping through the fabric and creating a rusty stain on the material, right about where a spleen should be. As if that wasn't enough for me, she reached down, gingerly loosening the bandage around her so she could dip her hand under the material.

"See for yourself," she told me, removing her hand from her bandage and holding it out to me. There was no mistaking the sight and smell of blood; red and wet and shining on her fingertips. The sight of it made me sick.

"And Kai..." I started, trying to wrap my head around the horror in front of me, and around everything that I was hearing.

She flinched at the mention of his name before regaining her composure. She slammed the trunk of the car closed, and when she looked at me again, her eyes were cold. 

"I told you. I did what I had to do. He's gone now."

With that, she walked to the front of the car and got into the front seat. I was frozen in place, the shock of everything I heard not allowing my body to process anything. When the door slammed closed, it snapped me into action.  

"Wait," I called, running to the window and knocking on the glass. She lowered the window cautiously. 

"You should heal that," I told her, gesturing to her wound. 

She gave me a look I couldn't decipher at my words. When she spoke, her words sounded solemn. 

"I can't."

I didn't pry further. 

"Let me then," I offered, trying to focus on anything but my racing thoughts, but she flinched when I started to reach out to her. 

"Don't. I'm done with magic, and don't take it personally, but I never want to see either of you ever again."

With that, she drove away without hesitation, barely allowing me time to move back to avoid getting hit. I watched the car drive away, getting smaller and smaller as it drove into the sky.

With Josette gone, there was nothing to distract me from the horrors that I had just heard. I stumbled back, bracing myself against one of the strong tree trunks around me. My grip was so hard my knuckles were white, and it felt like the only thing holding me together. 

Kai... he had killed his entire family. Every single one of them, over his thirst for power. I knew that the Parkers weren't good people; that much was for sure. But they didn't deserve to die, especially not at the hands of their own brother. 

I couldn't even fathom the Kai I knew doing that. The boy I knew was reserved and playful and fearful of harming others, terrified of letting his powers get out of control. The boy I knew wasn't capable of such unspeakable acts. But I would have thought the same about myself until mere hours ago. 

And when I thought about it, I couldn't help but place some of the blame on myself. The only reason Kai knew about the plan to use the twins instead of him and Josette was because I had figured it out. Without meaning to, I was the reason they were all dead. If I wouldn't have told him, none of this would have happened. 

Now I knew why I couldn't feel him like I had before. What Josette said... He was gone. She had killed them. 

I couldn't help but wonder what went through his mind. Did he really think killing his family was worth it? Would he have done it again, if he knew that it'd lead to this?

I felt the tears falling, and I was sobbing before I knew what was happening. Finding out what I had done, what Kai did... It was all too much for me.

The sadness I felt was all-consuming, and honestly, I didn't know what I was mourning the most. 

The loss of my ignorance, and of my innocence. It had been stolen when my memory had been returned. The look on Kelsie's face would forever haunt me; her face so full of fear. I was horrified at my own actions, at the fact that I'd hurt people and probably would have done worse if I wasn't stopped, but I knew that seeing that kind of terror in the face of someone I loved made everything harder to process. 

My mother's happiness. Despite my anger at her and what she had done, she had sacrificed her own happiness for me. She had married a horrible man in an attempt to do what she thought was best for me. Even if I knew that it was wrong, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

The divide between me and my mother. I understood that she was trying to look out for me, or she thought she was, but I wasn't sure if I forgive her actions. She had robbed me of the chance to deal with my own trauma, and then tried to stifle my magical growth out of fear. I wasn't sure our relationship would ever be able to fully recover now that I knew what she did.

The death of the Parkers. I hadn't known them personally, but I knew that no one deserved to die that day, or that young, and my guilt about my part in it grew exponentially by the second. 

Josette's trauma. She would surely be scarred by this, physically and emotionally, for the rest of her life. I could only hope that she could find happiness and a fresh start wherever she ended up. 

Kai's death. I didn't know who I was even mourning. The Kai I loved had died long before. This boy, the one who did all of those unspeakable things, was someone else; someone who had let the darkness in and let it consume them. I hated that I hadn't realized that sooner. I hated that I wasn't able to protect him, to save him from himself. 

But it didn't matter anymore. He was dead, I had hurt people, and had accidentally gotten almost all of Kai's siblings killed. My life was forever changed, by my mother's deceit, Kai's quest for power and his abrupt exit from my life, leaving me feeling hollow in an entirely new and horrible way. And i was going to have to live with all of it for the rest of my life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone was wondering, Halyn is a character that is very close to my heart, being my first published OC. She has a lot of me in her, and I decided to add a little bit more of me into this chapter by her bisexuality. She is a character who loves and feels with her entire heart, and that is simply not limited to gender.
> 
> **EDIT: I am so sorry for taking so long between chapter updates! Things have been pretty hectic for me and I haven't gotten many opportunities to write, but I shall post the next chapter by the end of the month if it kills me, so stay tuned!
> 
> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


	10. Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY POSTED!
> 
> I am so so sorry I've kept you all waiting for so long. These last few months have been crazy, and I've been running around trying to make sure I'm getting everything done, and while there's been my fair share of failures, I'm starting to feel really good about where I am right now in my life. I was FINALLY able to finish this chapter, so I hope you at least enjoy it, since I've made you all wait this long. The bad news is that I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to post the next chapter. Hopefully the gap between chapters will be smaller than this one has been, but I can't make any promises about that. HOWEVER, the good news is that this is the official end of the first section of this fic, and after this chapter, we'll be moving on to the rewrite of the end of season 6! I've been looking forward to this since I planned this fic, since I'll be writing in the world of the Vampire Diaries much more than I have been, and writing some characters that I haven't gotten the chance to write yet. I'm super excited for it, so hopefully you'll love it. 
> 
> **EDIT: I promise I have not forgotten about this fic, and that I am working hard on writing the next chapter. Chapter 11 coming soon!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to leave kudos and comments. They motivate me like nothing else. Enjoy!

 

 

I didn't know where else to go.

When I got myself together enough to think clearly, I knew that I couldn't stay where I was. I was still outside of the Parker's house, and Olivia or Lucas could easily see me from the front windows. If Josette had thought I was there to kill her, I couldn't imagine what the twins would think of me. 

So I stumbled back home, despite the pit in the bottom of my stomach that grew with each step. The girl that left the house earlier that day was a very different girl than the one returning, and even she was different from the one that woke up this morning. I couldn't help but feel like there wasn't much left for me anywhere, especially here with my mother and her scapegoat, but I had nowhere else to go than the familiarity of my home. 

I entered the house, and I didn't even make it more than a few steps in before the weight of everything became too much for me to handle. The front door closed as I leaned against it, sliding to the floor numbly, hugging my knees close to my chest, protecting my heart from any more pain.

My mother appeared mere seconds later, alerted of my presence by the closing of the door. Her hair was wild, and I could tell that she had been crying while I was gone. Her eyes were red and puffy, and it looked like there were fresh tears pooling in them at the sight of me.

"Halyn," she breathed out, my name like a sigh of relief coming from her as she rushed towards me. I didn't even move as she approached; I didn't even look at her. I just sat there, my eyes staring off at nothing in particular as she kneeled in front of me.

She cupped my face in her hands, and I knew she was saying something, but the words didn't compute in my brain. My mind was elsewhere, and I was lost in my own self pity, not having the strength to find my way out of it.

I felt like everything I knew had been a lie. Everything I thought I knew about Kai; that he was a good person, that he was finally safe, that he wouldn't be able to do something as horrible as that.

About my mother; that she was on my side, that she trusted me and had faith in me, everything about why she was with Joe to begin with. 

And even everything I thought I knew about myself felt like a lie. I had hurt people. That anger, that malice, that power, it was all within me. Somewhere in my veins was the power to hurt people, the power to be completely apathetic. What would I have done if those sprinklers hadn't gone off? What would I have done to Kylie? To <i>Kelsie?</i> Just thinking about it made me sick.

My gaze shifted to my mother, who was now standing in front of me, holding out her hands. I briefly realized that she was trying to help me up, and complied, extending my arms upwards. She grabbed hold of my wrists, and slowly helped me to my feet. My body still felt numb, leaving her to do most of the work in pulling me up. 

When I was standing, she placed her hands on my cheeks again, this time firmer. I had no choice but to look at her as she searched in my eyes.

"What happened?" she asked, and there way no way she was even attempting to hide her worry. "Are you okay?"

No, I thought. There was nothing about me that was okay, and I was unsure that I would ever be okay again. My mind filled with so many responses that I was momentarily breathless. I opened my mouth to speak, my mother's hands on my face dropping as she saw that she had my attention. However, instead of words, the only thing that came out was a sob. The tears started falling before i knew what was happening, and I went from feeling numb to experiencing the most overwhelming, all-consuming sadness I had ever felt. 

She hugged me close to her chest without another word, holding me as the sobs racked my body. I didn't even attempt to get them under control, the sadness was the only thing I knew at that moment, the only thing that I knew was true. I vaguely felt her stroking my hair, attempting to soothe me, but the motion did nothing to soothe the ache in my chest.

When I was finally able to get words out, it was between my broken sobs. "They're... they're all gone... and Kai... Kai's gone, too."

"Kai's gone." I repeated, the words filling my brain, making me unable to think about anything else. I didn't know if I was talking about the boy I thought I knew— the goofy, sweet, kind siphon boy who I had fallen in love with— or the outcast, the cold-hearted murderer who had died today. It didn't matter, anyway. They were both gone. 

I don't know how long we stood there like that. Me, clutching my mother as if she was the only real thing in my life. And her, her grip around me firm, as if she was worried that I would disappear if she dared to loosen her grip even a little bit.

I don't know how long that moment lasted, mere seconds or an eternity, but we were both snapped out of it by a voice. 

"Who's Kai?"

My mother stiffened immediately, her grip on me tightening. I could feel my mother turn her head towards the voice, but I couldn't bring myself to move. 

"Who is Kai?" The voice repeated, and I forced myself to gain control of my numb muscles and turn to face it. My eyes fell on Joe, leaning against the banister of the stairs with an unreadable look on his face. But as soon as our eyes met, realization seemed to dawn on him. 

His face morphed into a smirk as he descended the stairs slowly, never taking his eyes off of me. I felt like prey, like he was stalking towards me, ready to attack. I felt helpless, powerless. 

But at the same time, I felt my own power in a way I hadn't before, or in a way that I hadn't <i>remembered</i> I had ever felt before.

"Oh..." He started as he approached the bottom of the stairs where we stood. "Is he that boy you were talking about that time?"

My entire body tensed up, and something in my eyes must have betrayed me. My mother started to plead with him to stop, but he ignored her, his smile widening as he walked closer to me. He knew he had hit a nerve, and he was loving it. 

"I'm right, aren't I?" he asked, his voice mocking and sickening. I removed myself from my mother's hold in response, despite her protests, and my hands tightened into fists at my side. He just kept talking.

"It's alright. You don't have to say anything. That look gives it away."

There was barely any space between us. He was so close that i could smell the alcohol in his breath. He flashed a smile at me, one full of malice. 

"I'm right now... And I was right before, wasn't I?" He shrugged. "I tried to warn you, Halyn. A person like you is destined to be alone. You should have seen this coming. And if you ask me, he made the right call leaving you. He probably ran as far away from you as possible."

Something snapped in me with those words. Even if I had wanted to, there was nothing that could have stopped that piece of me from breaking. I stood numbly as my mother stepped in between us, placing her hands on his chest and pushing him away from me. A rush of energy unlike anything I had ever felt went through me, pooling in my clenched fists. It was energy surged with white hot rage, something I had only felt secondhand from Kai before. 

When my mom moved out of the way, I let loose. 

I screamed; a wild, primal scream tearing through my throat and filling up the entire room. It held all of my anger and pain and misery in it, taking all of those bottled up emotions and releasing it. I opened my fists as I did, letting the electricity run through my veins and out through my fingertips. 

All I could think about was the hole that had found its way into my heart. The numbness, the sorrow, the pain, the agony. The anger, the betrayal, the pure loathing I had for Joe. All of that clouded my vision, not allowing me to think or do much of anything but scream.

I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until I heard my mother's voice, snapping me out of it. 

"Halyn!" she called, her worry evident in her voice. 

I opened my eyes to the damage I had caused. The entire room was ablaze; flames dancing up the walls and filling the entire room. There was a ring around me, protecting me from the fire, but I could still feel the heat. The windows were broken, having exploded and thrown glass everywhere. Any pictures that had been on the walls had also shattered, spilling the frames' contents on the floor, and mixing with the glass shards. 

It took me a second before I saw Joe. 

He was unconscious, having been thrown a couple feet back by the force of my attack. I thought I may have seen blood around his head, but I wasn't sure. It looked like I had thrown him back into the stairs and he hit his head on one of the steps. I couldn't bring myself to feel apologetic. I couldn't bring myself to feel anything. 

I stumbled back, my eyes glued on the scene of my mother and Joe, She was hunched over him, her hands on his shoulders trying to wake him, but her attention was on me.

My feet carried me out of the house and onto the sidewalk, taking me away from the scene before my brain had even fully process what had happened. 

When it hit me, I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the end of the strands, not knowing what else to do. Not only had I set the house on fire, I didn't help them <i>out</i> of the house. 

I ran back towards the door, but it opened as I approached, flooding me with both surprise and relief. My mother was in the doorway, with Joe's arm slung around her shoulder. He was still dazed, most of his weight leaning on her slender frame, and I could see the strain that carrying him was putting on her and her body. Her hair was matted in places and her eyes were red, fresh tears shining in the firelight. 

I couldn't do anything but move to the side, out of her way as she basically dragged Joe out of the house. I didn't know what to say to her, and she didn't grace me with any words, either. 

She placed him on the ground a good distance away from the house, not able to support his weight any more. I knew that I should've grabbed his other side, should've helped to take some of the burden away from her and helped her to bring him to safety, but I couldn't, and it was too late anyway. She gave him one last look before her eyes locked on mine, and she didn't have to say anything for me to know what she was thinking. 

Our old life was behind us. Nothing would be able to be the same from that point on. Not Joe, not our house, not my relationship with my mother, and definitely not me. 

The broken pieces of my old life were left burning in my childhood home, and I couldn't do anything but watch it turn to ash, feeling nothing but the weight of my regrets. 

Everything was different now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to give a big big thanks to bilgegungoren00 for being the best beta ever. She has stuck with me throughout this very long writing process and has helped me to bring it to life.
> 
> [I am also on Tumblr under the same name, thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain]


End file.
